A Peak from my window....

I went to the bank of this river and sat near the stream of words with a  fishing rod, thinking I could pick a few of them today, while I buried my feelings down under the words all I think of is you- My younger self then began searching for him as the stream of my words kept flowing into the river of thoughts meeting the Ocean of Oblivion.

As I started missing my younger self  I took a stroll back in the time while I took a peek out of the window, that window was right in the hall of the home we lived, in fact, the home consisted of two and a half rooms, I call it home because my mother made one out of it. I see a boy who was happy for all the reasons he is, and had no worry, hardly any responsibilities. Loved his mother immensely and I still do- the only thing that never changed while the whole world and everyone in it did.

Life seemed easy for this boy who was quite sure about what he wants to do with it, back then “imagination” was the only nation he lived in. I wanted to be a doctor and started studying hard for it. I still smile at those ambitions which never came true. Stagnated dreams are what I can say when those dried up puddles leave a mark, which continues till today. To be strong is a curse when you are in pain, hurt or sad your ego makes you mask your feelings. No one understands the real you, and that is a big price you must pay for being strong.

 In the search of career and livelihood, I never realized when the so-called responsibilities kicked in and I wake up to 18yrs of working experience (corporate) - a train that never stopped. A train which carried all the needs of the family and still is on the track cooing happily station to station. All that I miss is the world around me, it was not as ruthless as it is now- or may be just I had to grow up to learn and realize how it truly has been?

I learnt we all must take one day at a time, we cannot rush. I learnt to love the sound of my feet walking away from people and things that are not meant for me. And what screws us up most in life is the “picture in our head of how it is supposed to be”.  Hopeless romance towards life continues, but isn’t that what keeps us going?  Everything is a pattern of life, but we cannot see the pattern because we are a  part of it- delicious ambiguity so delicious that sometimes we end up finding corners in a circle and at the end of the day, most of time all you have is a moment  and the imperfect love of the people around you.

My life did not come with terms and conditions just like yours, so I made mistakes. And It sucks how rest of the life and career depended on our most immature years. So, it passed and so did life, day after day everything seems the same, and just when you turn to a new calendar you know what changed?

One of the best and worst experiences was Silence. Silence in the midst of chaos, silence in heavy traffic on a peak hour, Silence when you are standing with 30 other people and blasting music and you don’t feel a thing, Silence that kills and pushes you around to the corner and no matter how many people are around. Silence at those 3 am Insomniac nights and Silence during all those failure and successes.

Let me leave you with a question - what are we searching for Peace of Mind or Peace from Mind?

 

Cheers!

 

Another day above the ground!

By the time we begin to understand the day, the night of darkness is upon us. That’s how life is. Sometimes we are determined, that we plan to get things done in a certain way or rather want things to happen, and they wouldn’t. If you are lucky you might end up having better than you thought. Otherwise, I will leave you to dig into your own lives experiences and imaginations.

Facts do not exist, interpretations do. Life is merely made of a series of judgments made on insufficient data, and if we waited to run down all our doubts, it would flow past us, sad but true. Maybe that’s why they said- Life first conducts the exam and then teaches you something out of it. Learning from our own lives experiences is totally optional, but the lesson is repeated until you learn, so there no escape :)

Its better that we dare to be naive, at least if we have the WHY of our life, We shall get along with almost ANYHOW. The whole life would always, and always be a trial and error with no guarantee. No one can surely say what works for you until you try and realize what does.

I can confidently say that free will, free-thinking has -made its way into the world, thinking the possibilities, breaking the barriers: of what they said, how it should be, how should you conduct yourself.  But the WHY’s were always not answered.  Compared to our childhood and the kinds of today. Your children are not your children. They are the Sons and Daughters of Life's longing for itself. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their Souls Dwell in the house of tomorrow, one you cannot visit, not even in your Dreams.  

How could  I not agree as - My father worked for the Government for all 40 years of his career, he stuck to his job. Clocked-in Clocked-Out and retired. About 3 years before he retired I started my race ( Rat- Race I can say in literal terms). Despite my multiple attempts, I failed to make him understand what exactly I do for a living - not that he was not educated but definitely he was not educated during my time enough to understand what kind of profession I was into. He had a good ride, he was happy, married had 3 kids brought them up decently, retired from work and played his part and waiting to check out.

Everything was and is a pattern of life. We cannot see the Pattern because we are a part of it, by the time you realize how it actually past, we know we have come a long way. So, it is important to take a break, re-evaluate and set the course. Because what’s passing is time and age. Age is not particularly an interesting subject for me, anyone can get old, all of us did too :). All we have to do is try to live long enough.

There is nothing called a Peaceful Life. It’s a fallacy, don’t believe anyone who promises you one. You are gonna continue to evolve in unforeseen ways. You are full of complexities and wonders. Life's unpredictability will draw these. We slowly dissolve into tomorrow’s, now is the only existence as time moves in one direction while memories move in another. You will be told in a hundred ways, some make sense, and few wouldn't.   To keep climbing,  and never be satisfied with where you are. Who you are and what you are doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out and I guarantee you will hear them. 

By the time you want to realize if you are happy doing what you are doing you are drawn into it so deep, you cannot come out of it, just then responsibilities kick in, and so do the payments. The necessity of doing it will take over and you are trapped. Finding happiness is highly important to continue, instead of staying in the misery. If you think your demons have caged you? In your memory and in your obsessions they are dying to be free, but in reality, your heart is for sure surrounded by the rib cage!

Your best performance or your best self would eventually become your enemy, people will relate and recognize you with those of certain benchmarks, and society and people around you would expect you to exceed the previous one. Nobody would begin to understand the struggle behind it, those sleepless nights, those tiring days, and none would ask you about them, that’s how it is, that’s how it’s going to be so. So we might as well enjoy and find our happiness in what we do and continue to draw such happiness along the way.  

Lifes does give us a lot of things, just that we only count what we do not have .. 

Peace, Love, Coffee & Cake!

Bindu.

Sign of the times...

 I missed by bus

Not sure when did the last 20yrs flew by until I read a message from a school friend ( in our chat group) that it's 2 decades we have passed out our high school. Life was so good, with that little homework and the only scary line was ' I am going to tell your mom'. Nobody cared what we wore and none judged us

Until we were in school we had the uniform and a bag full of books to carry, worrying about when it would rain and how to cover the Books from getting drenched. Waiting for every summer and to that semester( quarterly and half Yearly as we would then call them ) breaks for summer, winter so we could just pack our bags and head to ancestral  house by the country side . I don't remember the reason why but we were all truly happy, so happy that nobody could take the reason from us to be so.

Dreams and ambitions had no limits, those thoughts into a vivid and colorful world which seemed so good. Wanted to be something, and the only under lining thing was to be happy and I still remember my dream was to become a doctor  (: . I still remember I wrote this same in the autograph books of my friends while we departed from high school . No memory or moment was so true and pure after this.

Dads were the only hero we had, he was the only guy we knew so closely who could take all our tantrums and still ensured that we had everything we needed, and everything we asked for, holding his finger and going places, sitting on his shoulders to see things in a crowded fair . Crying for a New school bag every year, a bicycle when others had and that proud  show -off when we owned one. That long-ass pleading to allow us for sleepovers at friends place before exams ( we called it Combined studies) and then putting together that left over change so we can watch a night show at the nearby movies . Being at least one teachers favorite. Silly fights with siblings, and not talking to them over them, that fear or injections ( syringes) when we were sick, but the doctors ensured that we got one good in the buttock. Making those excuses Of stomach pain ( didn’t we all made a few ?) to avoid school because we haven't done the home work or some project work.

But then it all started - I mean losing the best days of life ...Just after losing the school uniform which was a ritual for about 11 years, stepped into college, Skipped classes , watched movies, played snooker tournaments . Bird watching, try and get a date or two ?!   Follow friends to bars, karaoke clubs and the list goes long. Never worried about being responsible and there came the final exams with a great struggle at last graduated. Trying to get a job, find a way to make a career and many times being a crushed napkin with dreams of being recycled.

Limbo has always been the best friend, no matter how painful it was to change the gear or shift the direction to sail, it has always  left great memories in retrospect. Isn’t it  the most important phase which occurs multiple times ?When we move on to something new, something different and something better ( being positive ). You make new friends, the old ones move on, some stay in touch some take it easy , its all about making an effort and a little intent. Let’s keep the balance sheet aside, for what you gave, and what you got - At the end of the day it’s all about experiences, bunch of’em, and always will be. Some made us, some broke us, but each and every one has made us who we are. Being thankful to all of them is the least we could do.

Just don’t be worried  that, the season is over it will be back in 12 months, so it’s up to us if we want to be a reason or season? Reason can stay from a life time if we need it, seasons often change – follow the heart , it’s only the heart that once can see rightly – because what’s essential is invisible to the eye.  Life is always a seed ,  and so are the dreams , lets water them daily so it can grow. We have grown, rather evolved in unforeseen ways. We are full f complexities  and wonder what the life’s unpredictability will draw us in.

Life always is a foreign language , all of us miss pronounce it. Lets not try and act perfect - its as good as getting dressed up for an X-Ray!

The New Normal

If I say what everyone has been saying or things which people are candid about, then you all might as well login into your regular Facebooks, tune into news channels and may be just simply hit google.com. I want to express what y’all don’t feel like, but sure you agree with me deep down inside or may be are waiting to hear the same from someone somewhere else. It takes one voice out which can make others a little comfortable and feel that they are not alone to feel so. And when I try to be  that one I am called a misfit/ dysfunctional I would rather call this league of people as New Normal's I am  glad that I am and I enjoy being one even more after learning more and more about people around me, the more I like myself.

For one I say you are under no obligation to give your opinion / view on everything. At times, you can just shut up, and trust me it works and am sure you will thank me later. Come hell or high water, Nobody wants a dose of reality. We just want to sound intelligent and intense and we are prefect with our larger than life escapist fare. This makes me an excessive clinomania’c , who sometimes do not want to come across the people I know, the way they think, they act, throw those sad rotten tantrums and still desperately want the world to feel and think that they are perfect life- Its great if you do, good for you.

It took a while for me to understand that I am a misfit, I don’t seem to be happy for most of the reasons the world is for. I don’t live my life pretending to be someone else, at least most of the times I try not to. And I won’t stress on my imperfections like i used to before, I learnt they make me complete. It’s okay to feel sad sometimes and give ourselves the space to experience emotions in their fullness instead of faking happiness. Every time we conform just because a majority thinks it is “ The Right Thing”. We stop ourselves from exploring who WE truly are!! I am done with being something else than who I am. I thought I had enough with the validation processes the world has put in place. As we know a person is still valued by the wealth , things you possess, your education qualifications, credentials  and yadda yadda. I am not sure how many of you remember- there used to be a Bonafide Certificate issued by our school and college back in the times ( in India) to declare our conduct was good, so we can be accepted in the next School/ University  I mean how lame was that shit?! A declaration of you by a third person ( essentially who does not know shit about us) signing  piece of paper to prove or to be accepted elsewhere.

Each one of us has an intrinsic value as an individual on this planet. That value is unconnected to the trappings of wealth, our possessions, talents, or economic contributions to self and to the world. Each of us has inherent worth Period. Ultimately we each have the final word about who we are and the type of life we choose to live—don’t let your final words be packed with self-fulfilling lies. Some say follow your passion, parents told me do something to make a decent or rather respectable living. I don’t know what is my passion till date but I try to find some happiness and joy in what I do before it consumes me more. We all will end up doing something or the other for survival, we end up paying our bills and feeding our kids when we have them. Its okay  not to judge, we don’t really know what’s their journey is all about, do we?  For one. you knew me yesterday, please don't think I am the same person that you are meeting today. I've experienced more of life, I've encountered new depths in those whom I love, I've suffered, I prayed, I cried I fought and I am different.

Life is full of struggles. Some struggles can be fought with the help of others. But some struggles you have to face alone. And to be yourself in this hypocrite society is one such thing.  The well is too deep inside me, will take a while for me to pull out all the other garbage to pick these words and put them together which remotely makes some sense. So I just want to request you - if you find a misfit, a poet , a dreamer or a singer, for the love of the Universe don’t change them, let them be , I am sure they are trying to find some meaning and peace in being so. They don’t need a cure for their wellness. They are nothing but New Normal.

Happy Siblings Day?!

Happy Siblings day I just knew it falls on April 11^th, until then I am not sure how many of us are not talking, remembering or counting that we have siblings?

I see lot of people posted pictures with their brother/ sisters on twitter, few on Instagram I ain’t on Facebook though where people are trying to share if they are Feeling, irritated, frustrated, inspired or happy or whatever it is that they want to show the world, and the twitter’s 142 characters is more for me to handle in a day. Back to the grind, I mean really?  you need  day to realize that you have a sibling and you need to wish them, remember them today of all 365 days in a year? Who started this shit? Who is Saint Valentine?  Where all this is coming from ?

Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, everyone has a day in this New age world to celebrate, wish, remember or to post a pic on “social media” which mostly is caused by a mental health disorder called Social mediarrhea”. Coz its become more like a pissing competition , we need to show to the world that we are a part of this so called globalization ( world under one umbrella- as they say! ), and we celebrate everything by posting a picture or sharing one? If you need a day to appreciate and realize the value of human relations I wonder if we are living with the support of robots in our daily life, or what?

I don’t think you can just live it up alone, you will need and by far you are driven by all the people around you every single day who mean something to you. We don’t choose our siblings, they are predestined, we choose our friends, and we live with them practically. Of all the things I remember in life, I love my childhood the most. I remember how close I was with my siblings, cousins and other kids in the family. We didn’t have everything, but our parents made sure we had what we need, and they always did . I am sure you would agree with me on this. They made sacrifices they have put down their little happiness’s aside for our sake, and ensured we are happy, siblings always had our back, when I had less marks on my report card and I was afraid to take it to my Dad/ Mom, when I needed that extra 25Rs for that weekend movie or when I was caught with a half pack cigarettes left in my pants hanged at the back of the door in my bedroom. And more importantly I remember we used to add water to the curd to ensure we all had enough to eat rice with. I mean these are the memories  I have and as I see, they are the best portion of my life and they are small and nameless moments I spent smiling with someone who mattered to me and they still do. Now I see in this post Y2K  I need to find  a day to celebrate every relation, and every bond and I totally forgot about friendship day if I know correctly it falls on 1^st Sunday of August in every year. And Some morons do celebrate friendship week also 😊

I feel blessed to stay in the company of great friends, who always have my back. I can call them anytime of the day or night and I know they will be there when I need. I try to call my siblings every day almost to check with them on how they are and how good their kids are growing up to be better than us, and Most of all Mother and Father, If you really think you need a day to remember them or to do something for them , then I really feel sorry for you. It’s a circle of life guys, they are growing old,  they may have less time left in some cases ( no offense but let’s get real we never know, do we?) Lets take care of them value their time, respect for what they did to us. Before the so called Regret hits real hard on our face!  Most of us by this time should have realized that they were always right with us,  no matter how much we thought they are against our will or wish to do something when we were in our teens.

At the end note its people. People are the best and the worst thing that will happen to us, Some will help us go further, others will pull us down to their level and help you lose. Most are OK. Many are average. Some will be excellent. A few people will change your life forever, and we need to find them and that’s  our goal. We don’t need a lot of friends or people around us, we need amazing people who for you as much as you do for them unintentionally and unconditionally . I just feel the right things now a days that we should be able to Plan in Decades, Think in years , Work in Months and Live in days. And perhaps after three and half decades- I feel much comfortable in my own skin because the poor thing is also not as tight as it used to be 😊

Love, Laughter and Peace forever!! 

A Traditionalist

The Traditionalist

I know my life is a  square , its so square that I end up at the same place after making three right turns, and I am a traditionalist, with small dreams, who wants to be a little successful ( may be want things to work for us - which we are working for – my little  bunch of weird group ) , and a lot peaceful. Life was always good, it’s just that we all make it complicated in our own space and leisure Yeah , kinda wanting more than how much we need, doing things which don’t add up to a right cause, or right things at the end.

In this swiftly changing times where we are taught that murder is wrong,  but only if a human is murdered, and we are taught hunting is a sport and serial killers are bad, and may be jail is for punishment but the Zoo’s are fun place for animals? I see they do a lot of “teaching” you, and isn’t it the time you start thinking for yourself?  We are taught and informed by the so called media, social media and shit about who is doing what - bad and less of who intends to be or do good?  The bad travels fast and news changes faster don’t we all need something new, something better, bigger every single day to know and  to talk about?

Trying to be the truest version of myself, sometimes wanting to be alone is the best thing in the world. As a traditional stereotype kinda guy who still wants to dream about the impossible things without the realists bringing me down. Trust me its so damn relaxing to be free of others expectations (setting aside your moral responsibilities towards your, loved ones,  family and society). I don’t want to be liked, accepted or validated anymore. I don’t give a shit. Period. Can I be like this I don’t think so. The traditionalistic mentality again, smile when you don’t want to, like what you don’t , for the sake of others to keep the mundane life going and typically praying the God to put his arm on my shoulder and his hand over my mouth 'coz I know my tongue is firmly in my cheek, to make enough space for foot in my mouth like always?!

Defining you is like restricting you, you are not who you are every single day, you are wiser, smarter, and better. May be the only time one has to be defined is when he/ she becomes a corpse only then there is no room to redefine yourself anymore, unknowingly we all are a work in progress, we update, upgrade, add wrinkles, loose hair, get grey and so on, whether you accept it or not. Just that you express yourself more when you were a kid and start fading that quality as you grow old( growing up is an option though).

Sometimes the distance between my ears questions me if I can find a  GPS to my life’s journey, I truly want to check how far have I come and is my speed in limit?! I might want to adjust my speed and time until I approach my final destination or eventually death? Or I just want to take the nearest next exit, so I can stretch myself, unwind and grab a bite or a cup of coffee to be refreshed along with few others who matter -  Y’all have a great day ahead while I go back to twitter to check what Trump has tweeted – at least not for finding out or concluding what bad he wants to do, but for some entertainment from this self-centered narcissistic prick- I am a traditionalist remember ?

Reluctant eccedentesiast

I Guard my treasures, My Will, My Thoughts and most of all My Freedom- #Ayn Rand

But what is life without having a comfortable air to breath where you can be yourself, far from false pretense. I have been a reluctant  eccedentesiast  for a while now. More and more of us are lying in this false pretense to impress someone or to please someone in day to day lives, when do we actually be ourselves, which means being us who we truly are, portraying what we didn’t do, saying what we didn’t know, heights of superficiality eye pop, jaw drop moments throughout the fucking day has led me to scribble something like this.

We are getting older by minutes, many of us think if we really are happy? After having my body circled the Sun for 34 times and just started experiencing wrinkled maturity I have understood that the only way to live is to be yourself completely and I’ve learnt the hard way that you cannot do that, if you do, you are a contrast to the world I am sure there is no such place where you can be literal, candid without being misquoted or mistaken. I mean it’s hard for me to understand why don’t the world let us be ourselves, I will decide what I choose to show or tell you or how I choose to be, I don’t want to be tamed, advised or suggested to do this do that all the time. I am not your pet dog. Being useful is good, one can make use of you as much as they want, all they would gain is some monitory reward but then, one needs to understand that you can use but you cannot exploit.

Don’t whine - one of my friend says, perhaps he was right, no actually he is, whiners don’t accomplish anything what so ever. Accept no bull shit, give no bull shit - was my mantra and now I find myself taking piles and piles of bull shit continuously having seen things happen which are not supposed to be, and still  not able to do shit about it?  am I a mahatma Gandhi or something to fix things for the world?  but having bull shit happen to my own self and not able to do anything is the pain, and I hate being eccedentesiast- I no longer have energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations, what keeps me hooked up is the direction I chose to sail.

Ultimately happiness relies on how we establish a solid sense of self or being. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances or in vanity. It is the matter of what you feel inside, it quite a deep resonance in our lives, to be filled each day a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment. I would like to feel this way I don’t want to feel empty on the inside, when the contributions are not valued or respected and credibility is taken away at every juncture , twist and turn of life, and we as people are just used , misused and exploited,  the voices are heard, that ringing sound when I hear while its quiet at the night just before sleep or during my insomniac times. And I felt it happens only when we are quiet patient and may be a little lucky, we will be able to hear it, and we will hear things about past , present and future, when we hear it there is a message to move on, explore the horizons and push the limits. We do no longer need safe zones to protect our fragile ego, we need big , new scary ideas that challenge our beliefs and expand our thinking, Thoughts that will offend us, hurt our feelings and stomp on our toes to make us mad, we got to tell ourselves to stop being victims we got to grow up,  we got to move on, instead of waiting on the other side of the tracks trying to find the meaning of life…

One of my good friends told me a joke, I laughed to tears, he told me the same joke again and I laughed a little less, not as hard. When he repeated it again twice I never got to stretch my lips – If we cannot laugh for the same joke over and over again why should we cry over things and people who can cause us hurt over and over again? Growing up for me is a part of being honest with myself first, About what I want, what I need, what I feel and who I am and now I trust to myself that I am a reluctant eccedentesiast with  a wrinkled maturity…..