Reluctant eccedentesiast

I Guard my treasures, My Will, My Thoughts and most of all My Freedom- #Ayn Rand

But what is life without having a comfortable air to breath where you can be yourself, far from false pretense. I have been a reluctant  eccedentesiast  for a while now. More and more of us are lying in this false pretense to impress someone or to please someone in day to day lives, when do we actually be ourselves, which means being us who we truly are, portraying what we didn’t do, saying what we didn’t know, heights of superficiality eye pop, jaw drop moments throughout the fucking day has led me to scribble something like this.

We are getting older by minutes, many of us think if we really are happy? After having my body circled the Sun for 34 times and just started experiencing wrinkled maturity I have understood that the only way to live is to be yourself completely and I’ve learnt the hard way that you cannot do that, if you do, you are a contrast to the world I am sure there is no such place where you can be literal, candid without being misquoted or mistaken. I mean it’s hard for me to understand why don’t the world let us be ourselves, I will decide what I choose to show or tell you or how I choose to be, I don’t want to be tamed, advised or suggested to do this do that all the time. I am not your pet dog. Being useful is good, one can make use of you as much as they want, all they would gain is some monitory reward but then, one needs to understand that you can use but you cannot exploit.

Don’t whine - one of my friend says, perhaps he was right, no actually he is, whiners don’t accomplish anything what so ever. Accept no bull shit, give no bull shit - was my mantra and now I find myself taking piles and piles of bull shit continuously having seen things happen which are not supposed to be, and still  not able to do shit about it?  am I a mahatma Gandhi or something to fix things for the world?  but having bull shit happen to my own self and not able to do anything is the pain, and I hate being eccedentesiast- I no longer have energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations, what keeps me hooked up is the direction I chose to sail.

Ultimately happiness relies on how we establish a solid sense of self or being. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances or in vanity. It is the matter of what you feel inside, it quite a deep resonance in our lives, to be filled each day a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment. I would like to feel this way I don’t want to feel empty on the inside, when the contributions are not valued or respected and credibility is taken away at every juncture , twist and turn of life, and we as people are just used , misused and exploited,  the voices are heard, that ringing sound when I hear while its quiet at the night just before sleep or during my insomniac times. And I felt it happens only when we are quiet patient and may be a little lucky, we will be able to hear it, and we will hear things about past , present and future, when we hear it there is a message to move on, explore the horizons and push the limits. We do no longer need safe zones to protect our fragile ego, we need big , new scary ideas that challenge our beliefs and expand our thinking, Thoughts that will offend us, hurt our feelings and stomp on our toes to make us mad, we got to tell ourselves to stop being victims we got to grow up,  we got to move on, instead of waiting on the other side of the tracks trying to find the meaning of life…

One of my good friends told me a joke, I laughed to tears, he told me the same joke again and I laughed a little less, not as hard. When he repeated it again twice I never got to stretch my lips – If we cannot laugh for the same joke over and over again why should we cry over things and people who can cause us hurt over and over again? Growing up for me is a part of being honest with myself first, About what I want, what I need, what I feel and who I am and now I trust to myself that I am a reluctant eccedentesiast with  a wrinkled maturity…..

Rendezvous with imperfections....

 How perfect are your imperfections? I tell ya they are all perfect, our every inner imperfection is in fact perfect and that’s what truly makes us who we are, isn’t it? As I take a peek into some of my imperfections, start with enjoying them, owning them completely and accepting myself that today is the youngest I’ll ever be and started appreciating it, and It’s also the oldest I’ve ever been, started acting like it.

With all the vim and vigor we start off in our lives to achieve something, to reach somewhere, to make something for us and our people . Either you attract yourself to extreme light or bare darkness, that’s a purely a human’s choice that’s how it is, there will be something and somewhere that makes people tick, and that’s what I would be interested in ,in what people try to hide. I think I fall in love with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful, and I appreciate rawness so much.  A Man is what he does not show, all that is visible is what we wants to show the world otherwise we have a complete jungle of secrets hid inside of each one of us, many of them would be our imperfections, our fears and sometimes our scars, they teach us what we have learnt, where we have been and what we have survived a storm, an accident, a surgery, and numerous failures all in one package is what we are gifted with.

It’s totally okay to have those short comings, flaws and imperfections, and I say it’s okay because every saint had a past and every sinner has a future. I have abnormal ears, I don’t walk fast usually,  I’ve graduated my masters pretty late than others of my age,  I still made it happen. I am not here to fill this space or I am not here to play a back ground character in someone else’s movie, I know nothing would be the same if I didn’t exist, every place I have ever been, every person I have spoken with would definitely be different without me. I don’t expect every one of you to agree with me, what I want to say is that even you have  story to tell just like I do. We are all effected by decisions and existence of the people around us and trust me we will continue to.

Its not always what you say out loud has the most power, what you whisper to yourself inside is the most powerful. Embrace what we have with us, what we experience - struggle, failure, pain, whatever at least we will know how it feels like to win or to be happy or to have enjoyed good health and wellbeing. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone, as long as you are happy, the one who needs your explanation will not value it anyhow, more than half of the people don’t even pay attention, just like  flashing news for instance: the same news won’t be appear on the front page everyday does it? It will move to second and third pages and eventually vanish within a  short span of time and that’s how the world is, people need to be fed with latest news, gossip, information and within no time they move on to the next one. How much do you care for them, I see a lot of us are already spending the money which they didn’t earn to buy things they don’t need in the verge of impressing the people who don’t matter, four quarters are always be better than a hundred pennies, so let’s choose our quarters wisely.

Let’s enjoy and embrace our imperfections let’s not loath, we own them we are made of them,  It’s not our fault, it’s okay not to be so hard on ourselves, everyone else is taken, so let’s be ourselves. Nothing lasts forever so live it up drink it down. You either be  voice or an echo, as I see in this hyper opinionated age I wonder how many of us realize that the things we say are just echoes? This culture we live in is an absolute chaos, where lies sell better than the truth, like it has accepted two huge lies, first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle you must fear or hate them. The second is that when you love someone that means you agree with everything they believe or do…. Both are bull shit you just don’t know the real them, if you do, you will change your perception with in a  fraction of a second, the question is how much time will you be ready to invest in this one? I say none , my passion and my compassion has no set timings, and I don’t think I have to compromise my convictions to be compassionate.

The concierge of my inner thoughts will shut down now as I ask myself who am I?  Demon to some and angel to others, and I can truly say that I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today…