Why is it okay to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally and to try like heck and suffer insomnia on the bed at night? We have those unexpected Melancholic Sunday afternoon naps, when you probably are heavy from a nice brunch and you just laze around and fall asleep on your couch, when you wake up it's already 4 or 5 in the evening and you start contemplating your life’s choices… you feel me?
During the whole day, we throw ourselves everywhere possible with our thoughts and actions, and the time we hit the bed at night we search for ourselves again before we slip into a deep sleep only to wake up the next day and do it again. But isn’t that the way of life? Its content within itself, makes us get lost in our own things. We are very fortunate to be around our loved ones who change our world completely while we are with them and then we leave, we get back to life and roll with it…
There are little infinities in everything. As long as we feel something deeply. For one, the Pain. There is this thing about Pain, it demands to be felt, let it hurt until it doesn’t. Don’t question, don’t touch it, search it through, or rip it apart. Let it be what it was and put it away somewhere untouched or unattended. And then walk away from it into your own life and like I said Life goes on.
As people we don’t realize what’s shaping us, we might just count who is hurting us or who is comforting us during good and bad times, but we don’t know who is shaping us with that whimsical chiseling us into something we are ought to be in the future and when it's all done you realize it was not at all random.
It's a jungle, we don’t know who planted the trees, and when did they do that. There are weeds, there are fruits and flowers, some tall, some short, and some may end up being medicine, some might even kill you, you know what I mean? The idea is to let them seeds be sowed, let the plans grow, we will only realize in retrospect as to what worked and what was/is what. You have not met all the people in life who will love you for what you are, you haven’t had the best time in your life yet, nor you have had the worst pain still ?! keep going and keep finding all of those good and bad because the most beautiful part is that we won’t be looking for what we find at the end of the day.
Cut the small talk, keep that phone aside and feel the air, relish a meal every morsel and devour the taste of it and be thankful for all the kind souls who made it possible. Write a paragraph about that lost summer at your grandparent's house and ask yourself why did you get angry at your sister or a friend a few months back. When you write honestly you will start learning about yourself a little more each time, let all those words be a revelation of your own self, just don’t hide, do not fake, keep it real, let the words flow when they all come together it will make absolute sense.
March 20, 2021.
My childhood has gone with you, you have gone leaving a lot of memories, pain, and grief and I still don’t find the answers why? But I know you left before you were gone. Your departure made me understand that one life lost is someone’s entire Universe I feel this every time I see Amma. Grief hits like a wave, I don’t know what causes it, I don’t know from where it comes and takes you along but before I realize I know I have tears flowing subconsciously...
I cannot bear the weight of not being able to tell you one word - sorry: For every time I misunderstood you, for all the times I snapped at you, and you took my anger patiently, for all the times I tried to talk to you, only to make you recollect who am I to you. you did give me a big punishment by leaving in a rush, I sincerely thought you had a little more time, but you proved me wrong.
See that’s the thing with time, We all think we have it, but no. now is all there ever is. Make that call, say that sorry, say that you love them – If past is a memory, future is mere anticipation!
