Candid Confessions....

‘this moment’ - this is all we have, its painfully true but yes, if you think closely this is all we got. My yesterday is gone before I could plan on doing something, I am looking forward for tomorrow which I hope it to be better, in the verge of expecting tomorrows and regretting yesterday’s today is buried before it could breathe peacefully. Even though there are days I wish I could change somethings that happened in the past, there is the reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big, where we have headed is much more important than what we’ve left behind.

Sometimes I feel if anyone thinks I have a good life? Or if anyone is praying on having mine as their life? I don’t know, a Child playing outside his home looks at a plane in the sky and dreams of flying in it, and the Pilot who is flying it badly want to come back home, it’s all about what’s missing and not what we have.

As I get older year after year I realize, that If you are not happier as you get older, that means you are totally fucking up. That reminded me that the only time I should ever look back is to see how far I have come, where did I start and when and why?

Being selfish is good sometimes, no matter how much you be available for people, they will just remember you only when they need something from you, that’s how the world is. I am selfish too and I am a lesser mortal and I am selfish abut how can I be happy in my own life, only then I can make people around me happy, At least I know that I cannot pour from an empty cup.

I am homesick sometimes, I just don’t know where the home is. There is this promise of happiness out there. I know it. I even feel it sometimes. Where my silence is understood and my soul is comforted, I don’t need to explain anything to anyone, where I can totally be my own true self and breath, That’s home, that’s what I am sick of, to an extent that it is like chasing the Moon, just when I think I have it, it disappears into the horizon.

It is both blessing and a curse to feel everything intensely, I take it as blessing, because its only later I find that I am cursed. I say that’s the beauty of life, and I will be this. I am who I am. Not who you think I am. Not who you want me to be, I am me and I think, therefore I exist.

Some do drugs, some smoke weed, there is a guy in the lane drinking his way down like fish, there is someone else running in the noon with heavy music playing in his ear phones, at the end we’re all just searching for that tiny little hole that gives us shelter from the terrible reality of the world.

Accepting everything and everyone as they are, was the best way to live according to me so far, at the same time it is taken as if I am giving up on things and people just by accepting them and without making an effort to change things/ people, can we really have control over these for once? Let me end this here flipping a couple of switches in my head pondering over this words and I would still remain a rolling stone stuck in between dreams and destiny.

In terms with life....

In terms with life again ... Oh no, rather life is in terms with me again, guess this will serve as a better statement to put across, tried, tested, weathered, beaten, knocked to the ground knees scraped, dreams shattered at every turn and step - never lose faith, keep hitting bigger, harder, better for what you want to come and kiss your feet and then it will fall at your feet. That day you find the light and then you believe- yes, the hustle was worth it and life, this bitch has to come to terms with you sooner or later it will....and you win.

Bitter sweet experiences, little cheesy insults, inferiority pressing your throat, you can hardly breathe; shoulders crushed and shrugged together lost the way, can't find it anyhow, and cannot ask anyone what to do... May be that's why it is said that the toughest battles are fought in the inner chambers of your mind and heart with you and yourself and never with someone outside... Yes that is 100000% true and you have to live and realize this to feel it. I tell you this feeling is priceless and amazing, one of the most fabulous feelings ever you can experience in life....

Life is not made of consistency. That's how you die one day at a time. Life is made of changes, memories, and wicked plans, and the pleasure that comes from freedom, the freedom which you need to pay certain price for, the freedom for which you need to slog your butt for, the freedom which you need to work to realize day in and day out and there is no short cut.

What are you waiting for? Someone to come and kick your ass? Someone to come teach you which direction to go next or what else to do, if that’s the case then remember, every day, every situation, every step, every turn of life is teaching you something, sending a message for you to observe change, reinvent yourself and move on  and to surrender to the current moment. Serve the moment. It's the only master you need to listen to… if you still have doubts then I suggest you remember why, where and how you started?

Every label you claim you have from before is just vanity. You were a doctor? You were from an IIM or a Harvard of MIT? You had millions? You had a family? Nobody cares. It’s not about money, my friends but money is a decent measuring stick. When people say "it’s not about the money" often they are really saying, "I'm really scared it's ALL about the money."

There will be many days where you don’t love what you are doing. If you are doing it just for love then it will take much much longer than what you planned or thought of achieving. When I love, I'm happy. When I debate, and wonder, and want, and control, and believe, I'm not as happy. Do what you do with love and success is a natural symptom.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter 'coz eventually you’re dead and then it’s hard to reinvent yourself, while you are alive, stay alive and keep moving…at least you will live on your terms and life will come to your terms sooner or later...

Need for greed

I have a bad habit of being brutally honest and practical, I call it bad habit coz 99.% of the people around me in the small world of mine aren't upfront, honest up to my face, it may hurt, but I would rather prefer a hurting truth than a comforting lie. Not that I don't lie I do, as long as it will help me avoid few extra questions, which needs some explanation about what's going on in my life and I might as well just say I am doing well- I am fine.

Let me tell you something, we cannot and won't always be fine, deep inside we all know it. This does not essentially mean that I am nastily narrow and a negative person and I am not too depressed however, I have gained a conviction to say that I have accepted success and failure with the same smile- it took long to practice and go thru toughest times to be this, but now I am just there having my head high very well in my hands, controlled and having it well tamed - I don't look life from a tragic point of view it's like i don't dramatize life, I would rather live it : what happened, what's happening and what might happen are the sum total of consequences  for the actions of my own and reactions to others actions

A mans relationship with greed is a deeply personal thing, let me not be biased may be I should rather say a human's.. It can be anything for that matter career, money, some materialistic things we crave for, we want to get our hands on , we want to own ? How many times do we actually let out what we want ? To ourselves in the mirror-  Some times it looks like a purest form of greed, may be it is for others but if you want it, then you want it - period!

When I hit the bed at the end of the day all I would imagine is all that good things I want to happen in my life, I am sure most of us do that, make scenarios in our head coz it makes us feel good, to end the day with a good thought or imagination  in fact most of us do this during all the times, coz that one thought can motivate us to take that extra mile, to make things happen the way we want them to.

Every need when met has the end but the greed cannot stop, the moment we get something remember, we lost it! These experiences are expensive but they are worth it trust me they are, never ever forget the value of people, things are always under guarantee / warranty and can be  exchanged or returned but people can't. Once you achieve something the other one drives you to slog your butt all over again, we do find that enjoyment in working for something which we want not something we just need. The only question : what's next ? has all the answers of life hidden in, let's take a moment in solitude to enjoy the present what we got and who we have beside us. The sooner you put that question to yourself the sooner it keeps you from living in that moment.

Wanting not to want is also a want ! Wanting and not wanting are both you. Hence that moment of wanting can never stop. The cart will always be way before the horse, please watch your step during you run.

To sum it up : I am hungry, I can eat only as long as my stomach is full - I would earn my meal,  I would relish it , I relax with a happy belly and I am done! If I could get this feeling to another person- then my life has a meaning!

This was about need - greed - want - all three are extremely essential as long as they won't cross the line :-)

Underrated happiness

Yes, It’s been long time and I was quiet tired, it’s been a long life, days are too long and years are quick it’s been 3 of such quick long years I am here in TX if I clink thearly. Sometimes it was real hard, sometimes I took it easy. I care for everything and nothing at the same time more or less I am like a child packed in a man’s body. It aint easy being me but it would probably be worth it, at least I feel so at the end.

Chasing dreams has been a long ride and the race seems to be much longer than I thought, so more or less running towards my dreams, tripped over the reality of time and situations I hit my head hard on the truth - that I am a human being not a superman or a gifted soul to just blind fold my eyes to the reality of life and run like horse in the race. I am much lesser to that of a horse, but the lashes of cane on my back have been equal to what a horse experiences. I need to figure out how many of them leave a scar.

As I pour myself another drink staring at the ice rocks melting their way down into the finest 15yr old scotch, I remembered that I should sometimes do what I love, and mm, yeah there are many such things which we don’t care about life or we get too busy to notice, rather I should call them as underrated happiness’s- some of them which I could notice, imagine or experience is what this is all about:

Most of our lives are consumed by work/career/ profession we choose to be in. We might have read many quotes, advises, short stories on the web, social media-networking sites about balancing time, managing family, leaving office on time blah blah blah…. I did too, we read, we think it’s meaningful; it makes sense, later in a quick minute we are back to our rigmarole of daily crap of whatever it is…

I for one am an intense person; I live life to the deep intensity possible, be it on my failure, success, pain, happiness, peace and everything else embraced everything in life till now . ‘Coz I feel should live every experience, every emotion and every feeling truly and completely only then that’s life- If I may say so?  May be the drill has been long, so cut right in to the chase- Underrated happiness:

I am happy and thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat- When was the last time you went home hungry after a long ass day to see your favorite food cooked by your loved one’s for you - wife/mother/sister/friend isn’t that happiness?

I am thankful and blessed to see a lawn that has been mowed, windows that have to be washed and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home to live in- irrespective I own it or I lease it- Did you go home late after a tiring day at work to see a fresh and well-made sheets on the bed to tuck in and sleep, that for sure is happiness!!

Had a sick day, frustrated, sulked at work all day for things not happening the way you want to? Missed payments or just lost a deal in sales or whatever, not able to find reasons as to why it happens to you always, reach home with the same cracked nut head and your loved ones just then gives you a back rub and gently pressing your shoulders- saying everything is going to be okay, would you really need anything else to be happy about? - If yes, you need to go see a doctor, I truly think you need to.

I will borrow a line I read from somewhere I read, I am not sure who wrote this-‘Life is what happens when you are busy making another plans’. Please stop by and enjoy these little happiness’s, never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present, a good meal, a restful sleep, nice music melody, a funny conversation, a good workout, this is what makes you who you are, Life is a circle do not try to live in squares- 

Fought too long for what you want, Long and hard to keep it, but longest is to let it go. So dear pal-NOW is the only existence before it dissolves into something called tomorrow live it up – 

Toodle-loo!