Reluctant eccedentesiast

I Guard my treasures, My Will, My Thoughts and most of all My Freedom- #Ayn Rand

But what is life without having a comfortable air to breath where you can be yourself, far from false pretense. I have been a reluctant  eccedentesiast  for a while now. More and more of us are lying in this false pretense to impress someone or to please someone in day to day lives, when do we actually be ourselves, which means being us who we truly are, portraying what we didn’t do, saying what we didn’t know, heights of superficiality eye pop, jaw drop moments throughout the fucking day has led me to scribble something like this.

We are getting older by minutes, many of us think if we really are happy? After having my body circled the Sun for 34 times and just started experiencing wrinkled maturity I have understood that the only way to live is to be yourself completely and I’ve learnt the hard way that you cannot do that, if you do, you are a contrast to the world I am sure there is no such place where you can be literal, candid without being misquoted or mistaken. I mean it’s hard for me to understand why don’t the world let us be ourselves, I will decide what I choose to show or tell you or how I choose to be, I don’t want to be tamed, advised or suggested to do this do that all the time. I am not your pet dog. Being useful is good, one can make use of you as much as they want, all they would gain is some monitory reward but then, one needs to understand that you can use but you cannot exploit.

Don’t whine - one of my friend says, perhaps he was right, no actually he is, whiners don’t accomplish anything what so ever. Accept no bull shit, give no bull shit - was my mantra and now I find myself taking piles and piles of bull shit continuously having seen things happen which are not supposed to be, and still  not able to do shit about it?  am I a mahatma Gandhi or something to fix things for the world?  but having bull shit happen to my own self and not able to do anything is the pain, and I hate being eccedentesiast- I no longer have energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations, what keeps me hooked up is the direction I chose to sail.

Ultimately happiness relies on how we establish a solid sense of self or being. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances or in vanity. It is the matter of what you feel inside, it quite a deep resonance in our lives, to be filled each day a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment. I would like to feel this way I don’t want to feel empty on the inside, when the contributions are not valued or respected and credibility is taken away at every juncture , twist and turn of life, and we as people are just used , misused and exploited,  the voices are heard, that ringing sound when I hear while its quiet at the night just before sleep or during my insomniac times. And I felt it happens only when we are quiet patient and may be a little lucky, we will be able to hear it, and we will hear things about past , present and future, when we hear it there is a message to move on, explore the horizons and push the limits. We do no longer need safe zones to protect our fragile ego, we need big , new scary ideas that challenge our beliefs and expand our thinking, Thoughts that will offend us, hurt our feelings and stomp on our toes to make us mad, we got to tell ourselves to stop being victims we got to grow up,  we got to move on, instead of waiting on the other side of the tracks trying to find the meaning of life…

One of my good friends told me a joke, I laughed to tears, he told me the same joke again and I laughed a little less, not as hard. When he repeated it again twice I never got to stretch my lips – If we cannot laugh for the same joke over and over again why should we cry over things and people who can cause us hurt over and over again? Growing up for me is a part of being honest with myself first, About what I want, what I need, what I feel and who I am and now I trust to myself that I am a reluctant eccedentesiast with  a wrinkled maturity…..

Rendezvous with imperfections....

 How perfect are your imperfections? I tell ya they are all perfect, our every inner imperfection is in fact perfect and that’s what truly makes us who we are, isn’t it? As I take a peek into some of my imperfections, start with enjoying them, owning them completely and accepting myself that today is the youngest I’ll ever be and started appreciating it, and It’s also the oldest I’ve ever been, started acting like it.

With all the vim and vigor we start off in our lives to achieve something, to reach somewhere, to make something for us and our people . Either you attract yourself to extreme light or bare darkness, that’s a purely a human’s choice that’s how it is, there will be something and somewhere that makes people tick, and that’s what I would be interested in ,in what people try to hide. I think I fall in love with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful, and I appreciate rawness so much.  A Man is what he does not show, all that is visible is what we wants to show the world otherwise we have a complete jungle of secrets hid inside of each one of us, many of them would be our imperfections, our fears and sometimes our scars, they teach us what we have learnt, where we have been and what we have survived a storm, an accident, a surgery, and numerous failures all in one package is what we are gifted with.

It’s totally okay to have those short comings, flaws and imperfections, and I say it’s okay because every saint had a past and every sinner has a future. I have abnormal ears, I don’t walk fast usually,  I’ve graduated my masters pretty late than others of my age,  I still made it happen. I am not here to fill this space or I am not here to play a back ground character in someone else’s movie, I know nothing would be the same if I didn’t exist, every place I have ever been, every person I have spoken with would definitely be different without me. I don’t expect every one of you to agree with me, what I want to say is that even you have  story to tell just like I do. We are all effected by decisions and existence of the people around us and trust me we will continue to.

Its not always what you say out loud has the most power, what you whisper to yourself inside is the most powerful. Embrace what we have with us, what we experience - struggle, failure, pain, whatever at least we will know how it feels like to win or to be happy or to have enjoyed good health and wellbeing. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone, as long as you are happy, the one who needs your explanation will not value it anyhow, more than half of the people don’t even pay attention, just like  flashing news for instance: the same news won’t be appear on the front page everyday does it? It will move to second and third pages and eventually vanish within a  short span of time and that’s how the world is, people need to be fed with latest news, gossip, information and within no time they move on to the next one. How much do you care for them, I see a lot of us are already spending the money which they didn’t earn to buy things they don’t need in the verge of impressing the people who don’t matter, four quarters are always be better than a hundred pennies, so let’s choose our quarters wisely.

Let’s enjoy and embrace our imperfections let’s not loath, we own them we are made of them,  It’s not our fault, it’s okay not to be so hard on ourselves, everyone else is taken, so let’s be ourselves. Nothing lasts forever so live it up drink it down. You either be  voice or an echo, as I see in this hyper opinionated age I wonder how many of us realize that the things we say are just echoes? This culture we live in is an absolute chaos, where lies sell better than the truth, like it has accepted two huge lies, first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle you must fear or hate them. The second is that when you love someone that means you agree with everything they believe or do…. Both are bull shit you just don’t know the real them, if you do, you will change your perception with in a  fraction of a second, the question is how much time will you be ready to invest in this one? I say none , my passion and my compassion has no set timings, and I don’t think I have to compromise my convictions to be compassionate.

The concierge of my inner thoughts will shut down now as I ask myself who am I?  Demon to some and angel to others, and I can truly say that I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today…

Candid Confessions....

‘this moment’ - this is all we have, its painfully true but yes, if you think closely this is all we got. My yesterday is gone before I could plan on doing something, I am looking forward for tomorrow which I hope it to be better, in the verge of expecting tomorrows and regretting yesterday’s today is buried before it could breathe peacefully. Even though there are days I wish I could change somethings that happened in the past, there is the reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big, where we have headed is much more important than what we’ve left behind.

Sometimes I feel if anyone thinks I have a good life? Or if anyone is praying on having mine as their life? I don’t know, a Child playing outside his home looks at a plane in the sky and dreams of flying in it, and the Pilot who is flying it badly want to come back home, it’s all about what’s missing and not what we have.

As I get older year after year I realize, that If you are not happier as you get older, that means you are totally fucking up. That reminded me that the only time I should ever look back is to see how far I have come, where did I start and when and why?

Being selfish is good sometimes, no matter how much you be available for people, they will just remember you only when they need something from you, that’s how the world is. I am selfish too and I am a lesser mortal and I am selfish abut how can I be happy in my own life, only then I can make people around me happy, At least I know that I cannot pour from an empty cup.

I am homesick sometimes, I just don’t know where the home is. There is this promise of happiness out there. I know it. I even feel it sometimes. Where my silence is understood and my soul is comforted, I don’t need to explain anything to anyone, where I can totally be my own true self and breath, That’s home, that’s what I am sick of, to an extent that it is like chasing the Moon, just when I think I have it, it disappears into the horizon.

It is both blessing and a curse to feel everything intensely, I take it as blessing, because its only later I find that I am cursed. I say that’s the beauty of life, and I will be this. I am who I am. Not who you think I am. Not who you want me to be, I am me and I think, therefore I exist.

Some do drugs, some smoke weed, there is a guy in the lane drinking his way down like fish, there is someone else running in the noon with heavy music playing in his ear phones, at the end we’re all just searching for that tiny little hole that gives us shelter from the terrible reality of the world.

Accepting everything and everyone as they are, was the best way to live according to me so far, at the same time it is taken as if I am giving up on things and people just by accepting them and without making an effort to change things/ people, can we really have control over these for once? Let me end this here flipping a couple of switches in my head pondering over this words and I would still remain a rolling stone stuck in between dreams and destiny.

In terms with life....

In terms with life again ... Oh no, rather life is in terms with me again, guess this will serve as a better statement to put across, tried, tested, weathered, beaten, knocked to the ground knees scraped, dreams shattered at every turn and step - never lose faith, keep hitting bigger, harder, better for what you want to come and kiss your feet and then it will fall at your feet. That day you find the light and then you believe- yes, the hustle was worth it and life, this bitch has to come to terms with you sooner or later it will....and you win.

Bitter sweet experiences, little cheesy insults, inferiority pressing your throat, you can hardly breathe; shoulders crushed and shrugged together lost the way, can't find it anyhow, and cannot ask anyone what to do... May be that's why it is said that the toughest battles are fought in the inner chambers of your mind and heart with you and yourself and never with someone outside... Yes that is 100000% true and you have to live and realize this to feel it. I tell you this feeling is priceless and amazing, one of the most fabulous feelings ever you can experience in life....

Life is not made of consistency. That's how you die one day at a time. Life is made of changes, memories, and wicked plans, and the pleasure that comes from freedom, the freedom which you need to pay certain price for, the freedom for which you need to slog your butt for, the freedom which you need to work to realize day in and day out and there is no short cut.

What are you waiting for? Someone to come and kick your ass? Someone to come teach you which direction to go next or what else to do, if that’s the case then remember, every day, every situation, every step, every turn of life is teaching you something, sending a message for you to observe change, reinvent yourself and move on  and to surrender to the current moment. Serve the moment. It's the only master you need to listen to… if you still have doubts then I suggest you remember why, where and how you started?

Every label you claim you have from before is just vanity. You were a doctor? You were from an IIM or a Harvard of MIT? You had millions? You had a family? Nobody cares. It’s not about money, my friends but money is a decent measuring stick. When people say "it’s not about the money" often they are really saying, "I'm really scared it's ALL about the money."

There will be many days where you don’t love what you are doing. If you are doing it just for love then it will take much much longer than what you planned or thought of achieving. When I love, I'm happy. When I debate, and wonder, and want, and control, and believe, I'm not as happy. Do what you do with love and success is a natural symptom.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter 'coz eventually you’re dead and then it’s hard to reinvent yourself, while you are alive, stay alive and keep moving…at least you will live on your terms and life will come to your terms sooner or later...

Need for greed

I have a bad habit of being brutally honest and practical, I call it bad habit coz 99.% of the people around me in the small world of mine aren't upfront, honest up to my face, it may hurt, but I would rather prefer a hurting truth than a comforting lie. Not that I don't lie I do, as long as it will help me avoid few extra questions, which needs some explanation about what's going on in my life and I might as well just say I am doing well- I am fine.

Let me tell you something, we cannot and won't always be fine, deep inside we all know it. This does not essentially mean that I am nastily narrow and a negative person and I am not too depressed however, I have gained a conviction to say that I have accepted success and failure with the same smile- it took long to practice and go thru toughest times to be this, but now I am just there having my head high very well in my hands, controlled and having it well tamed - I don't look life from a tragic point of view it's like i don't dramatize life, I would rather live it : what happened, what's happening and what might happen are the sum total of consequences  for the actions of my own and reactions to others actions

A mans relationship with greed is a deeply personal thing, let me not be biased may be I should rather say a human's.. It can be anything for that matter career, money, some materialistic things we crave for, we want to get our hands on , we want to own ? How many times do we actually let out what we want ? To ourselves in the mirror-  Some times it looks like a purest form of greed, may be it is for others but if you want it, then you want it - period!

When I hit the bed at the end of the day all I would imagine is all that good things I want to happen in my life, I am sure most of us do that, make scenarios in our head coz it makes us feel good, to end the day with a good thought or imagination  in fact most of us do this during all the times, coz that one thought can motivate us to take that extra mile, to make things happen the way we want them to.

Every need when met has the end but the greed cannot stop, the moment we get something remember, we lost it! These experiences are expensive but they are worth it trust me they are, never ever forget the value of people, things are always under guarantee / warranty and can be  exchanged or returned but people can't. Once you achieve something the other one drives you to slog your butt all over again, we do find that enjoyment in working for something which we want not something we just need. The only question : what's next ? has all the answers of life hidden in, let's take a moment in solitude to enjoy the present what we got and who we have beside us. The sooner you put that question to yourself the sooner it keeps you from living in that moment.

Wanting not to want is also a want ! Wanting and not wanting are both you. Hence that moment of wanting can never stop. The cart will always be way before the horse, please watch your step during you run.

To sum it up : I am hungry, I can eat only as long as my stomach is full - I would earn my meal,  I would relish it , I relax with a happy belly and I am done! If I could get this feeling to another person- then my life has a meaning!

This was about need - greed - want - all three are extremely essential as long as they won't cross the line :-)

Underrated happiness

Yes, It’s been long time and I was quiet tired, it’s been a long life, days are too long and years are quick it’s been 3 of such quick long years I am here in TX if I clink thearly. Sometimes it was real hard, sometimes I took it easy. I care for everything and nothing at the same time more or less I am like a child packed in a man’s body. It aint easy being me but it would probably be worth it, at least I feel so at the end.

Chasing dreams has been a long ride and the race seems to be much longer than I thought, so more or less running towards my dreams, tripped over the reality of time and situations I hit my head hard on the truth - that I am a human being not a superman or a gifted soul to just blind fold my eyes to the reality of life and run like horse in the race. I am much lesser to that of a horse, but the lashes of cane on my back have been equal to what a horse experiences. I need to figure out how many of them leave a scar.

As I pour myself another drink staring at the ice rocks melting their way down into the finest 15yr old scotch, I remembered that I should sometimes do what I love, and mm, yeah there are many such things which we don’t care about life or we get too busy to notice, rather I should call them as underrated happiness’s- some of them which I could notice, imagine or experience is what this is all about:

Most of our lives are consumed by work/career/ profession we choose to be in. We might have read many quotes, advises, short stories on the web, social media-networking sites about balancing time, managing family, leaving office on time blah blah blah…. I did too, we read, we think it’s meaningful; it makes sense, later in a quick minute we are back to our rigmarole of daily crap of whatever it is…

I for one am an intense person; I live life to the deep intensity possible, be it on my failure, success, pain, happiness, peace and everything else embraced everything in life till now . ‘Coz I feel should live every experience, every emotion and every feeling truly and completely only then that’s life- If I may say so?  May be the drill has been long, so cut right in to the chase- Underrated happiness:

I am happy and thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat- When was the last time you went home hungry after a long ass day to see your favorite food cooked by your loved one’s for you - wife/mother/sister/friend isn’t that happiness?

I am thankful and blessed to see a lawn that has been mowed, windows that have to be washed and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home to live in- irrespective I own it or I lease it- Did you go home late after a tiring day at work to see a fresh and well-made sheets on the bed to tuck in and sleep, that for sure is happiness!!

Had a sick day, frustrated, sulked at work all day for things not happening the way you want to? Missed payments or just lost a deal in sales or whatever, not able to find reasons as to why it happens to you always, reach home with the same cracked nut head and your loved ones just then gives you a back rub and gently pressing your shoulders- saying everything is going to be okay, would you really need anything else to be happy about? - If yes, you need to go see a doctor, I truly think you need to.

I will borrow a line I read from somewhere I read, I am not sure who wrote this-‘Life is what happens when you are busy making another plans’. Please stop by and enjoy these little happiness’s, never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present, a good meal, a restful sleep, nice music melody, a funny conversation, a good workout, this is what makes you who you are, Life is a circle do not try to live in squares- 

Fought too long for what you want, Long and hard to keep it, but longest is to let it go. So dear pal-NOW is the only existence before it dissolves into something called tomorrow live it up – 

Toodle-loo!

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow.

Getting bored of traveling for the first time, Dallas to New York for a dear friends engagement , hence I thought  I will reach some untouched words wandering in my head for a while and started typing this lines. I hope you will like or relate yourself in any stupid corner of this latest scribble....

It's been a while I have been living...and all I have been living was in three states of time which crisply I can say as this title...

Many of us complain of wasting time and a very little group of folks don't, as they make use of time constructively to succeed and stay happy.... I for one, definitely  do not belong here in this group. When in teens or rather  when we are young , we listen to this "wasting time" a lot at home or school/ college and then you get to listen the same when you start to work.... May be now I can call it slacking or whiling away the time of passing the time and so on...

After turning an year older recently this got me thinking what is this wasting of time... I say I got-"wasted with the time", time was constant it goes on, not matter whether I go or not.... Yes I got wasted, I turned a little wise from being stupid, I stopped people from pushing me around all the time, I realized I can't always be happy, I accepted reality and now the best part, I acted stupid all over again( sometimes on something's).......I realized what I gotta do and where I had to go... I lost my charm over the years and I still keep loosing my hair which I think is kinda great deal  for me now....and I learnt that all that happens is that we keep dissolving in the so called yesterday, today and tomorrow....don't we?

Over all these years I learnt how to use time & things, yeah and in this process even I got used sometimes for good and sometimes for not so good... In my 10"s I saw people using things and valuing people, by the time I hit 20"s this changed the other way round, and if you are reading this now in 2013 and can understand what I am saying, I don't need to tell you what it is like today, after yet another decade. But on a different angle I thought what is your life for if you are not useful, if you are not put to use somewhere or the other.... Get dissolved in time and get used it's okay you gotta travel no matter what, even if you don't time takes you along if not places, then for sure ages!

My Experience is food for my brain. And all these years back home and a little while away from home as been a rich meal. I suppose this should be no surprise that my brain will burp the time in Texas for a long long time in the years to come, and I got lots of food waiting for me and I am equally eager.

Ambition is only understood if it's to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success.... I do have one I don't deny it but it is equally important for me to satisfy my soul. People can and will be able to see the clothes I wear the home I stay or the car I drive, but deep inside its only me who knows whether I have reached where I need to, it is foolishness if I try to be totally satisfied, but yeah if I can satisfy my soul to an extent It's good because I for myself know that, I have been putting in all I can to make things happen I would prefer to die trying than to compromise....

 My Yesterday was a great teacher, It taught me to laugh, to cry to learn, unlearn be vulnerable but Never Give up and Fight for what is Right and I am trying my best to do something better Today so that me and my people can welcome Tomorrow with a Smile....