Sunday Afternoon Nap!

 

Why is it okay to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally and to try like heck and suffer insomnia on the bed at night? We have those unexpected Melancholic Sunday afternoon naps, when you probably are heavy from a nice brunch and you just laze around and fall asleep on your couch, when you wake up it's already 4 or 5 in the evening and you start contemplating your life’s choices… you feel me?

During the whole day, we throw ourselves everywhere possible with our thoughts and actions, and the time we hit the bed at night we search for ourselves again before we slip into a deep sleep only to wake up the next day and do it again. But isn’t that the way of life? Its content within itself, makes us get lost in our own things. We are very fortunate to be around our loved ones who change our world completely while we are with them and then we leave, we get back to life and roll with it…

There are little infinities in everything. As long as we feel something deeply. For one, the Pain. There is this thing about Pain, it demands to be felt, let it hurt until it doesn’t. Don’t question, don’t touch it,  search it through, or rip it apart. Let it be what it was and put it away somewhere untouched or unattended. And then walk away from it into your own life and like I said Life goes on.

As people we don’t realize what’s shaping us, we might just count who is hurting us or who is comforting us during good and bad times, but we don’t know who is shaping us with that whimsical chiseling us into something we are ought to be in the future and when it's all done you realize it was not at all random.

 It's a jungle, we don’t know who planted the trees, and when did they do that. There are weeds, there are fruits and flowers, some tall, some short, and some may end up being medicine, some might even kill you, you know what I mean? The idea is to let them seeds be sowed, let the plans grow, we will only realize in retrospect as to what worked and what was/is what. You have not met all the people in life who will love you for what you are, you haven’t had the best time in your life yet, nor you have had the worst pain still ?! keep going and keep finding all of those good and bad because the most beautiful part is that we won’t be looking for what we find at the end of the day.

Cut the small talk, keep that phone aside and feel the air, relish a meal every morsel and devour the taste of it and be thankful for all the kind souls who made it possible. Write a paragraph about that lost summer at your grandparent's house and ask yourself why did you get angry at your sister or a friend a few months back. When you write honestly you will start learning about yourself a little more each time,  let all those words be a revelation of your own self, just don’t hide, do not fake, keep it real,  let the words flow when they all come together it will make absolute sense.

March 20, 2021.

My childhood has gone with you, you have gone leaving a lot of memories, pain, and grief and I still don’t find the answers why? But I know you left before you were gone.  Your departure made me understand that one life lost is someone’s entire Universe I feel this every time I see Amma.   Grief hits like a wave, I don’t know what causes it, I don’t know from where it comes and takes you along but before I realize I know I have tears flowing subconsciously... 

I cannot bear the weight of not being able to tell you one word - sorry: For every time I misunderstood you, for all the times I snapped at you, and you took my anger patiently, for all the times I tried to talk to you, only to make you recollect who am I to you. you did give me a big punishment by leaving in a rush, I sincerely thought you had a little more time, but you proved me wrong. 

See that’s the thing with time, We all think we have it, but no.  now is all there ever is. Make that call, say that sorry, say that you love them – If past is a memory, future is mere anticipation!

 

State of Mind at 39

 

State of mind at 39.

 

To be understood is to be home. It is either you do, or you do not.  End of the day the world is not going to believe you when you say that you tried. Coz the trials are not visible just like as in a vaccine. Either we have it or do not. Its only people, the ones who try to be involved with our life would know and appreciate the fact that we are trying.  Indeed, it’s tough to actually find such kind of people in a lifetime when you do please hold on to them.

 

I have slowly learnt that even when I react it won’t change anything. It won’t make people suddenly love or respect me and it definitely won’t change their attitudes or mindsets, people will remain who they are,  the one who cheats would cheat, the one who is honest would remain so.

 

Sometimes there is much more peace when we just let things be, let people go, and do not fight for closure. Closure matters but you do not get it always, it’s better to stop trying. Do not chase answers don’t expect people to understand where you are coming from.

 

And I am slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and rather center it around what is happening inside of you. Work on yourself and for your own inner peace.  

 

If you are the person who is always there for others, know that your heart is rare, know that you make people feel wanted and that you make people feel seen, you make them feel like they have a purpose. But from time to time you need to remind yourself that you deserve to take all the energy you put out into the roll and invest back into yourself. You are also worthy of the love you keep giving to everybody else. Take a break and nourish the softness inside you. 

 

The real love amounts to let a person be what he/she really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be, to keep their love we keep pretending, performing and it’s a loop which never ends and we get caught up in this poisonous pretentious circle  to an extent that we will end up forgetting who we really are . You are chained to that performance and let people like you and rate you for how well you do so. When you stop pretending that’s when people will hate you, as you don’t meet their standards anymore and you will eventually be distant and blurry to their eyes. 

 

Sometimes we just need to go far away just to realize who is closer to us. First, we become closer to yourselves work and invest in yourselves and let them right people find you. It might take time and I am sure it will in some cases, but we will end up in the right company and the flow would be much better. 

 

Life is not linear, neither is your journey nor your pain or your healings. It’s very random, so random that you find yourself in the craziest moments of highs and you will experience excruciating pain and deep-down lows. And how we let these times affect us, would decide our future. Do you plan to make life linear yes, we all do, but should we?  I suppose not coz the whole thing called life doesn’t just depend on you alone, there is time, place and there are family, friends, relationships, colleagues and many more people or the aliens who are unpredictable, annoying and lovable all at the same time.

 

Let us just be true to ourselves. Let it flow, go with the flow and get the most out of it,  juice the pulp as best you can, the love, the friendship, the companionship, the career, the achievements, the pain, the loss, a hot cup of coffee, a fresh brew, a great run or a killer workout it’s just amazing to feel everything completely and intensely. The learning process is rewarding and so is the giving, give out to the world, to the people nothing and no one stays forever. Just be in a fearless in the pursuit of authenticity as a human and never stop experiencing Life it has a lot in store, we just need to go grab them as we go. 

 

The most convincing sign that someone is truly living their best life, is their lack of desire to show the world that they are living their best life. Your best life will not seek validation.

 

Memories. Tears. Distance. Truth. Desires. Responsibilities. Relationships. Loneliness. Milestones. Words. Music.

 

Myself at 39. During a Disastrous 2020.

 

 

 

 

More from my Slate...

Often, it’s considered not quite comfortable, sometimes private topic to ask or reveal “The Age ‘as I am getting a year older myself, I thought I would revisit my age .... through the rearview mirror for a bit and to realize what I made of it and throw some words.

 

Age has been a blessing she has been nothing more than:

A collection of experiences.

Making new friends and losing old ones.

Knowing whom to trust and who stayed along with you irrespective of good times and bad, through thick and thin (you know Who I am talking about).

How many places you been to?

How many cuisines have you tasted?

How many rocks did you climb?

How much beer have you drink?

How much did you give?

How well did you spend (time and energy)?

How well have you loved?

and lastly: How much did you live...

 

Everything in this world has a measurement end of the day:

 

How many degrees did you achieve?

How much money did you earn or how fat is your paycheck?

How big of a house do you live in

How happy are you in your marriage?

How well are your kids doing yadda yadda...

Just a matter of time and everything I said the above will be measured, asked, judged ... that’s how it is, and by now you very well know what comes next, retirement, and its associated side effects of the last leg of life. So that is it. That is a perfect life and I do not want to know according to whom?

It is the people, the world / the society around you which is going to gauge, taunt or judge and torment you into knowing all the above so as to be called a perfect life lived. But who has got the recipe for it?

All of us have ended up doing something to make a living, our goals and our ambitions were different, and they will be, coz we all are not cut out from the same fabric neither we will be alike. Life takes us all in a weirdly random direction that none of us expect. We end up making choices and decisions and will be ending up in some corner of the world with people who we do not even knew. If not anything the Survival / Necessity / Responsibility /Passion would guide our moves largely and more likely we are a result of one of these four. While our habits kick in from the other side to define our lifestyle or health.

Growing old is inevitable, growing up is a choice and as we grow up, we become closer to ourselves and we tend have reduced patience for drama.  Aging transforms you into a lonely being and makes you glorify loneliness. Company of others becomes an effort that requires energy, courtesy, and many concealment and pretensions. So it’s very important to find someone with whom : we don’t have to conceal of what we were / are , we don’t have to pretend or try to impress , coz it takes a lot of effort and over the time becomes a pain in the rear as one day you need to draw the curtains and bare your soul to your partner. So, it is essential to find someone who understands our silence and not just our words.

Everybody has their own timing. To earn a degree, to earn the first paycheck, to start their own firm or to get married or to have a kid, no one can control or force these things. All you do is try with pure intention and genuine effort. Da Vinci was 51 years old when he painted the Mona Lisa.

Life itself is hard, sad, unreasonable, and irrational all at the same time, over the time so little of it makes sense and so much of it seems unfair. A lot of it simply boils down to the unsatisfying formula of good and bad luck. I personally don’t believe in Luck but for me it is the Timing- right time, right place, right situation and with right people is Luck, but what are the odds of all these stars aligning together?- let me leave that you to ponder on .

Do not do things that you know are morally wrong. Not because someone is watching, but because you are. Self-esteem is just the reputation that you have with yourself. You will always know. Nobody asked you to beat yourself up by doing things which are above yourself for the people who do not even care. A Priest can swear, vegetarian can wear leather shoes, do as much good you can and keep pushing forward. Always remember that the worlds heavy representation is not resting only on the decisions we make.

So be your full self, no holding back. It is about time you decide what warms your soul, do what makes you happy and try not to hurt anyone even when you have to say a No. If not anything you would sleep in peace and would not have any regrets!

 

A Peak from my window....

I went to the bank of this river and sat near the stream of words with a  fishing rod, thinking I could pick a few of them today, while I buried my feelings down under the words all I think of is you- My younger self then began searching for him as the stream of my words kept flowing into the river of thoughts meeting the Ocean of Oblivion.

As I started missing my younger self  I took a stroll back in the time while I took a peek out of the window, that window was right in the hall of the home we lived, in fact, the home consisted of two and a half rooms, I call it home because my mother made one out of it. I see a boy who was happy for all the reasons he is, and had no worry, hardly any responsibilities. Loved his mother immensely and I still do- the only thing that never changed while the whole world and everyone in it did.

Life seemed easy for this boy who was quite sure about what he wants to do with it, back then “imagination” was the only nation he lived in. I wanted to be a doctor and started studying hard for it. I still smile at those ambitions which never came true. Stagnated dreams are what I can say when those dried up puddles leave a mark, which continues till today. To be strong is a curse when you are in pain, hurt or sad your ego makes you mask your feelings. No one understands the real you, and that is a big price you must pay for being strong.

 In the search of career and livelihood, I never realized when the so-called responsibilities kicked in and I wake up to 18yrs of working experience (corporate) - a train that never stopped. A train which carried all the needs of the family and still is on the track cooing happily station to station. All that I miss is the world around me, it was not as ruthless as it is now- or may be just I had to grow up to learn and realize how it truly has been?

I learnt we all must take one day at a time, we cannot rush. I learnt to love the sound of my feet walking away from people and things that are not meant for me. And what screws us up most in life is the “picture in our head of how it is supposed to be”.  Hopeless romance towards life continues, but isn’t that what keeps us going?  Everything is a pattern of life, but we cannot see the pattern because we are a  part of it- delicious ambiguity so delicious that sometimes we end up finding corners in a circle and at the end of the day, most of time all you have is a moment  and the imperfect love of the people around you.

My life did not come with terms and conditions just like yours, so I made mistakes. And It sucks how rest of the life and career depended on our most immature years. So, it passed and so did life, day after day everything seems the same, and just when you turn to a new calendar you know what changed?

One of the best and worst experiences was Silence. Silence in the midst of chaos, silence in heavy traffic on a peak hour, Silence when you are standing with 30 other people and blasting music and you don’t feel a thing, Silence that kills and pushes you around to the corner and no matter how many people are around. Silence at those 3 am Insomniac nights and Silence during all those failure and successes.

Let me leave you with a question - what are we searching for Peace of Mind or Peace from Mind?

 

Cheers!

 

Another day above the ground!

By the time we begin to understand the day, the night of darkness is upon us. That’s how life is. Sometimes we are determined, that we plan to get things done in a certain way or rather want things to happen, and they wouldn’t. If you are lucky you might end up having better than you thought. Otherwise, I will leave you to dig into your own lives experiences and imaginations.

Facts do not exist, interpretations do. Life is merely made of a series of judgments made on insufficient data, and if we waited to run down all our doubts, it would flow past us, sad but true. Maybe that’s why they said- Life first conducts the exam and then teaches you something out of it. Learning from our own lives experiences is totally optional, but the lesson is repeated until you learn, so there no escape :)

Its better that we dare to be naive, at least if we have the WHY of our life, We shall get along with almost ANYHOW. The whole life would always, and always be a trial and error with no guarantee. No one can surely say what works for you until you try and realize what does.

I can confidently say that free will, free-thinking has -made its way into the world, thinking the possibilities, breaking the barriers: of what they said, how it should be, how should you conduct yourself.  But the WHY’s were always not answered.  Compared to our childhood and the kinds of today. Your children are not your children. They are the Sons and Daughters of Life's longing for itself. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their Souls Dwell in the house of tomorrow, one you cannot visit, not even in your Dreams.  

How could  I not agree as - My father worked for the Government for all 40 years of his career, he stuck to his job. Clocked-in Clocked-Out and retired. About 3 years before he retired I started my race ( Rat- Race I can say in literal terms). Despite my multiple attempts, I failed to make him understand what exactly I do for a living - not that he was not educated but definitely he was not educated during my time enough to understand what kind of profession I was into. He had a good ride, he was happy, married had 3 kids brought them up decently, retired from work and played his part and waiting to check out.

Everything was and is a pattern of life. We cannot see the Pattern because we are a part of it, by the time you realize how it actually past, we know we have come a long way. So, it is important to take a break, re-evaluate and set the course. Because what’s passing is time and age. Age is not particularly an interesting subject for me, anyone can get old, all of us did too :). All we have to do is try to live long enough.

There is nothing called a Peaceful Life. It’s a fallacy, don’t believe anyone who promises you one. You are gonna continue to evolve in unforeseen ways. You are full of complexities and wonders. Life's unpredictability will draw these. We slowly dissolve into tomorrow’s, now is the only existence as time moves in one direction while memories move in another. You will be told in a hundred ways, some make sense, and few wouldn't.   To keep climbing,  and never be satisfied with where you are. Who you are and what you are doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out and I guarantee you will hear them. 

By the time you want to realize if you are happy doing what you are doing you are drawn into it so deep, you cannot come out of it, just then responsibilities kick in, and so do the payments. The necessity of doing it will take over and you are trapped. Finding happiness is highly important to continue, instead of staying in the misery. If you think your demons have caged you? In your memory and in your obsessions they are dying to be free, but in reality, your heart is for sure surrounded by the rib cage!

Your best performance or your best self would eventually become your enemy, people will relate and recognize you with those of certain benchmarks, and society and people around you would expect you to exceed the previous one. Nobody would begin to understand the struggle behind it, those sleepless nights, those tiring days, and none would ask you about them, that’s how it is, that’s how it’s going to be so. So we might as well enjoy and find our happiness in what we do and continue to draw such happiness along the way.  

Lifes does give us a lot of things, just that we only count what we do not have .. 

Peace, Love, Coffee & Cake!

Bindu.

Sign of the times...

 I missed by bus

Not sure when did the last 20yrs flew by until I read a message from a school friend ( in our chat group) that it's 2 decades we have passed out our high school. Life was so good, with that little homework and the only scary line was ' I am going to tell your mom'. Nobody cared what we wore and none judged us

Until we were in school we had the uniform and a bag full of books to carry, worrying about when it would rain and how to cover the Books from getting drenched. Waiting for every summer and to that semester( quarterly and half Yearly as we would then call them ) breaks for summer, winter so we could just pack our bags and head to ancestral  house by the country side . I don't remember the reason why but we were all truly happy, so happy that nobody could take the reason from us to be so.

Dreams and ambitions had no limits, those thoughts into a vivid and colorful world which seemed so good. Wanted to be something, and the only under lining thing was to be happy and I still remember my dream was to become a doctor  (: . I still remember I wrote this same in the autograph books of my friends while we departed from high school . No memory or moment was so true and pure after this.

Dads were the only hero we had, he was the only guy we knew so closely who could take all our tantrums and still ensured that we had everything we needed, and everything we asked for, holding his finger and going places, sitting on his shoulders to see things in a crowded fair . Crying for a New school bag every year, a bicycle when others had and that proud  show -off when we owned one. That long-ass pleading to allow us for sleepovers at friends place before exams ( we called it Combined studies) and then putting together that left over change so we can watch a night show at the nearby movies . Being at least one teachers favorite. Silly fights with siblings, and not talking to them over them, that fear or injections ( syringes) when we were sick, but the doctors ensured that we got one good in the buttock. Making those excuses Of stomach pain ( didn’t we all made a few ?) to avoid school because we haven't done the home work or some project work.

But then it all started - I mean losing the best days of life ...Just after losing the school uniform which was a ritual for about 11 years, stepped into college, Skipped classes , watched movies, played snooker tournaments . Bird watching, try and get a date or two ?!   Follow friends to bars, karaoke clubs and the list goes long. Never worried about being responsible and there came the final exams with a great struggle at last graduated. Trying to get a job, find a way to make a career and many times being a crushed napkin with dreams of being recycled.

Limbo has always been the best friend, no matter how painful it was to change the gear or shift the direction to sail, it has always  left great memories in retrospect. Isn’t it  the most important phase which occurs multiple times ?When we move on to something new, something different and something better ( being positive ). You make new friends, the old ones move on, some stay in touch some take it easy , its all about making an effort and a little intent. Let’s keep the balance sheet aside, for what you gave, and what you got - At the end of the day it’s all about experiences, bunch of’em, and always will be. Some made us, some broke us, but each and every one has made us who we are. Being thankful to all of them is the least we could do.

Just don’t be worried  that, the season is over it will be back in 12 months, so it’s up to us if we want to be a reason or season? Reason can stay from a life time if we need it, seasons often change – follow the heart , it’s only the heart that once can see rightly – because what’s essential is invisible to the eye.  Life is always a seed ,  and so are the dreams , lets water them daily so it can grow. We have grown, rather evolved in unforeseen ways. We are full f complexities  and wonder what the life’s unpredictability will draw us in.

Life always is a foreign language , all of us miss pronounce it. Lets not try and act perfect - its as good as getting dressed up for an X-Ray!

The New Normal

If I say what everyone has been saying or things which people are candid about, then you all might as well login into your regular Facebooks, tune into news channels and may be just simply hit google.com. I want to express what y’all don’t feel like, but sure you agree with me deep down inside or may be are waiting to hear the same from someone somewhere else. It takes one voice out which can make others a little comfortable and feel that they are not alone to feel so. And when I try to be  that one I am called a misfit/ dysfunctional I would rather call this league of people as New Normal's I am  glad that I am and I enjoy being one even more after learning more and more about people around me, the more I like myself.

For one I say you are under no obligation to give your opinion / view on everything. At times, you can just shut up, and trust me it works and am sure you will thank me later. Come hell or high water, Nobody wants a dose of reality. We just want to sound intelligent and intense and we are prefect with our larger than life escapist fare. This makes me an excessive clinomania’c , who sometimes do not want to come across the people I know, the way they think, they act, throw those sad rotten tantrums and still desperately want the world to feel and think that they are perfect life- Its great if you do, good for you.

It took a while for me to understand that I am a misfit, I don’t seem to be happy for most of the reasons the world is for. I don’t live my life pretending to be someone else, at least most of the times I try not to. And I won’t stress on my imperfections like i used to before, I learnt they make me complete. It’s okay to feel sad sometimes and give ourselves the space to experience emotions in their fullness instead of faking happiness. Every time we conform just because a majority thinks it is “ The Right Thing”. We stop ourselves from exploring who WE truly are!! I am done with being something else than who I am. I thought I had enough with the validation processes the world has put in place. As we know a person is still valued by the wealth , things you possess, your education qualifications, credentials  and yadda yadda. I am not sure how many of you remember- there used to be a Bonafide Certificate issued by our school and college back in the times ( in India) to declare our conduct was good, so we can be accepted in the next School/ University  I mean how lame was that shit?! A declaration of you by a third person ( essentially who does not know shit about us) signing  piece of paper to prove or to be accepted elsewhere.

Each one of us has an intrinsic value as an individual on this planet. That value is unconnected to the trappings of wealth, our possessions, talents, or economic contributions to self and to the world. Each of us has inherent worth Period. Ultimately we each have the final word about who we are and the type of life we choose to live—don’t let your final words be packed with self-fulfilling lies. Some say follow your passion, parents told me do something to make a decent or rather respectable living. I don’t know what is my passion till date but I try to find some happiness and joy in what I do before it consumes me more. We all will end up doing something or the other for survival, we end up paying our bills and feeding our kids when we have them. Its okay  not to judge, we don’t really know what’s their journey is all about, do we?  For one. you knew me yesterday, please don't think I am the same person that you are meeting today. I've experienced more of life, I've encountered new depths in those whom I love, I've suffered, I prayed, I cried I fought and I am different.

Life is full of struggles. Some struggles can be fought with the help of others. But some struggles you have to face alone. And to be yourself in this hypocrite society is one such thing.  The well is too deep inside me, will take a while for me to pull out all the other garbage to pick these words and put them together which remotely makes some sense. So I just want to request you - if you find a misfit, a poet , a dreamer or a singer, for the love of the Universe don’t change them, let them be , I am sure they are trying to find some meaning and peace in being so. They don’t need a cure for their wellness. They are nothing but New Normal.

Happy Siblings Day?!

Happy Siblings day I just knew it falls on April 11^th, until then I am not sure how many of us are not talking, remembering or counting that we have siblings?

I see lot of people posted pictures with their brother/ sisters on twitter, few on Instagram I ain’t on Facebook though where people are trying to share if they are Feeling, irritated, frustrated, inspired or happy or whatever it is that they want to show the world, and the twitter’s 142 characters is more for me to handle in a day. Back to the grind, I mean really?  you need  day to realize that you have a sibling and you need to wish them, remember them today of all 365 days in a year? Who started this shit? Who is Saint Valentine?  Where all this is coming from ?

Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, everyone has a day in this New age world to celebrate, wish, remember or to post a pic on “social media” which mostly is caused by a mental health disorder called Social mediarrhea”. Coz its become more like a pissing competition , we need to show to the world that we are a part of this so called globalization ( world under one umbrella- as they say! ), and we celebrate everything by posting a picture or sharing one? If you need a day to appreciate and realize the value of human relations I wonder if we are living with the support of robots in our daily life, or what?

I don’t think you can just live it up alone, you will need and by far you are driven by all the people around you every single day who mean something to you. We don’t choose our siblings, they are predestined, we choose our friends, and we live with them practically. Of all the things I remember in life, I love my childhood the most. I remember how close I was with my siblings, cousins and other kids in the family. We didn’t have everything, but our parents made sure we had what we need, and they always did . I am sure you would agree with me on this. They made sacrifices they have put down their little happiness’s aside for our sake, and ensured we are happy, siblings always had our back, when I had less marks on my report card and I was afraid to take it to my Dad/ Mom, when I needed that extra 25Rs for that weekend movie or when I was caught with a half pack cigarettes left in my pants hanged at the back of the door in my bedroom. And more importantly I remember we used to add water to the curd to ensure we all had enough to eat rice with. I mean these are the memories  I have and as I see, they are the best portion of my life and they are small and nameless moments I spent smiling with someone who mattered to me and they still do. Now I see in this post Y2K  I need to find  a day to celebrate every relation, and every bond and I totally forgot about friendship day if I know correctly it falls on 1^st Sunday of August in every year. And Some morons do celebrate friendship week also 😊

I feel blessed to stay in the company of great friends, who always have my back. I can call them anytime of the day or night and I know they will be there when I need. I try to call my siblings every day almost to check with them on how they are and how good their kids are growing up to be better than us, and Most of all Mother and Father, If you really think you need a day to remember them or to do something for them , then I really feel sorry for you. It’s a circle of life guys, they are growing old,  they may have less time left in some cases ( no offense but let’s get real we never know, do we?) Lets take care of them value their time, respect for what they did to us. Before the so called Regret hits real hard on our face!  Most of us by this time should have realized that they were always right with us,  no matter how much we thought they are against our will or wish to do something when we were in our teens.

At the end note its people. People are the best and the worst thing that will happen to us, Some will help us go further, others will pull us down to their level and help you lose. Most are OK. Many are average. Some will be excellent. A few people will change your life forever, and we need to find them and that’s  our goal. We don’t need a lot of friends or people around us, we need amazing people who for you as much as you do for them unintentionally and unconditionally . I just feel the right things now a days that we should be able to Plan in Decades, Think in years , Work in Months and Live in days. And perhaps after three and half decades- I feel much comfortable in my own skin because the poor thing is also not as tight as it used to be 😊

Love, Laughter and Peace forever!! 

A Traditionalist

The Traditionalist

I know my life is a  square , its so square that I end up at the same place after making three right turns, and I am a traditionalist, with small dreams, who wants to be a little successful ( may be want things to work for us - which we are working for – my little  bunch of weird group ) , and a lot peaceful. Life was always good, it’s just that we all make it complicated in our own space and leisure Yeah , kinda wanting more than how much we need, doing things which don’t add up to a right cause, or right things at the end.

In this swiftly changing times where we are taught that murder is wrong,  but only if a human is murdered, and we are taught hunting is a sport and serial killers are bad, and may be jail is for punishment but the Zoo’s are fun place for animals? I see they do a lot of “teaching” you, and isn’t it the time you start thinking for yourself?  We are taught and informed by the so called media, social media and shit about who is doing what - bad and less of who intends to be or do good?  The bad travels fast and news changes faster don’t we all need something new, something better, bigger every single day to know and  to talk about?

Trying to be the truest version of myself, sometimes wanting to be alone is the best thing in the world. As a traditional stereotype kinda guy who still wants to dream about the impossible things without the realists bringing me down. Trust me its so damn relaxing to be free of others expectations (setting aside your moral responsibilities towards your, loved ones,  family and society). I don’t want to be liked, accepted or validated anymore. I don’t give a shit. Period. Can I be like this I don’t think so. The traditionalistic mentality again, smile when you don’t want to, like what you don’t , for the sake of others to keep the mundane life going and typically praying the God to put his arm on my shoulder and his hand over my mouth 'coz I know my tongue is firmly in my cheek, to make enough space for foot in my mouth like always?!

Defining you is like restricting you, you are not who you are every single day, you are wiser, smarter, and better. May be the only time one has to be defined is when he/ she becomes a corpse only then there is no room to redefine yourself anymore, unknowingly we all are a work in progress, we update, upgrade, add wrinkles, loose hair, get grey and so on, whether you accept it or not. Just that you express yourself more when you were a kid and start fading that quality as you grow old( growing up is an option though).

Sometimes the distance between my ears questions me if I can find a  GPS to my life’s journey, I truly want to check how far have I come and is my speed in limit?! I might want to adjust my speed and time until I approach my final destination or eventually death? Or I just want to take the nearest next exit, so I can stretch myself, unwind and grab a bite or a cup of coffee to be refreshed along with few others who matter -  Y’all have a great day ahead while I go back to twitter to check what Trump has tweeted – at least not for finding out or concluding what bad he wants to do, but for some entertainment from this self-centered narcissistic prick- I am a traditionalist remember ?

Reluctant eccedentesiast

I Guard my treasures, My Will, My Thoughts and most of all My Freedom- #Ayn Rand

But what is life without having a comfortable air to breath where you can be yourself, far from false pretense. I have been a reluctant  eccedentesiast  for a while now. More and more of us are lying in this false pretense to impress someone or to please someone in day to day lives, when do we actually be ourselves, which means being us who we truly are, portraying what we didn’t do, saying what we didn’t know, heights of superficiality eye pop, jaw drop moments throughout the fucking day has led me to scribble something like this.

We are getting older by minutes, many of us think if we really are happy? After having my body circled the Sun for 34 times and just started experiencing wrinkled maturity I have understood that the only way to live is to be yourself completely and I’ve learnt the hard way that you cannot do that, if you do, you are a contrast to the world I am sure there is no such place where you can be literal, candid without being misquoted or mistaken. I mean it’s hard for me to understand why don’t the world let us be ourselves, I will decide what I choose to show or tell you or how I choose to be, I don’t want to be tamed, advised or suggested to do this do that all the time. I am not your pet dog. Being useful is good, one can make use of you as much as they want, all they would gain is some monitory reward but then, one needs to understand that you can use but you cannot exploit.

Don’t whine - one of my friend says, perhaps he was right, no actually he is, whiners don’t accomplish anything what so ever. Accept no bull shit, give no bull shit - was my mantra and now I find myself taking piles and piles of bull shit continuously having seen things happen which are not supposed to be, and still  not able to do shit about it?  am I a mahatma Gandhi or something to fix things for the world?  but having bull shit happen to my own self and not able to do anything is the pain, and I hate being eccedentesiast- I no longer have energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations, what keeps me hooked up is the direction I chose to sail.

Ultimately happiness relies on how we establish a solid sense of self or being. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances or in vanity. It is the matter of what you feel inside, it quite a deep resonance in our lives, to be filled each day a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment. I would like to feel this way I don’t want to feel empty on the inside, when the contributions are not valued or respected and credibility is taken away at every juncture , twist and turn of life, and we as people are just used , misused and exploited,  the voices are heard, that ringing sound when I hear while its quiet at the night just before sleep or during my insomniac times. And I felt it happens only when we are quiet patient and may be a little lucky, we will be able to hear it, and we will hear things about past , present and future, when we hear it there is a message to move on, explore the horizons and push the limits. We do no longer need safe zones to protect our fragile ego, we need big , new scary ideas that challenge our beliefs and expand our thinking, Thoughts that will offend us, hurt our feelings and stomp on our toes to make us mad, we got to tell ourselves to stop being victims we got to grow up,  we got to move on, instead of waiting on the other side of the tracks trying to find the meaning of life…

One of my good friends told me a joke, I laughed to tears, he told me the same joke again and I laughed a little less, not as hard. When he repeated it again twice I never got to stretch my lips – If we cannot laugh for the same joke over and over again why should we cry over things and people who can cause us hurt over and over again? Growing up for me is a part of being honest with myself first, About what I want, what I need, what I feel and who I am and now I trust to myself that I am a reluctant eccedentesiast with  a wrinkled maturity…..

Rendezvous with imperfections....

 How perfect are your imperfections? I tell ya they are all perfect, our every inner imperfection is in fact perfect and that’s what truly makes us who we are, isn’t it? As I take a peek into some of my imperfections, start with enjoying them, owning them completely and accepting myself that today is the youngest I’ll ever be and started appreciating it, and It’s also the oldest I’ve ever been, started acting like it.

With all the vim and vigor we start off in our lives to achieve something, to reach somewhere, to make something for us and our people . Either you attract yourself to extreme light or bare darkness, that’s a purely a human’s choice that’s how it is, there will be something and somewhere that makes people tick, and that’s what I would be interested in ,in what people try to hide. I think I fall in love with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful, and I appreciate rawness so much.  A Man is what he does not show, all that is visible is what we wants to show the world otherwise we have a complete jungle of secrets hid inside of each one of us, many of them would be our imperfections, our fears and sometimes our scars, they teach us what we have learnt, where we have been and what we have survived a storm, an accident, a surgery, and numerous failures all in one package is what we are gifted with.

It’s totally okay to have those short comings, flaws and imperfections, and I say it’s okay because every saint had a past and every sinner has a future. I have abnormal ears, I don’t walk fast usually,  I’ve graduated my masters pretty late than others of my age,  I still made it happen. I am not here to fill this space or I am not here to play a back ground character in someone else’s movie, I know nothing would be the same if I didn’t exist, every place I have ever been, every person I have spoken with would definitely be different without me. I don’t expect every one of you to agree with me, what I want to say is that even you have  story to tell just like I do. We are all effected by decisions and existence of the people around us and trust me we will continue to.

Its not always what you say out loud has the most power, what you whisper to yourself inside is the most powerful. Embrace what we have with us, what we experience - struggle, failure, pain, whatever at least we will know how it feels like to win or to be happy or to have enjoyed good health and wellbeing. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone, as long as you are happy, the one who needs your explanation will not value it anyhow, more than half of the people don’t even pay attention, just like  flashing news for instance: the same news won’t be appear on the front page everyday does it? It will move to second and third pages and eventually vanish within a  short span of time and that’s how the world is, people need to be fed with latest news, gossip, information and within no time they move on to the next one. How much do you care for them, I see a lot of us are already spending the money which they didn’t earn to buy things they don’t need in the verge of impressing the people who don’t matter, four quarters are always be better than a hundred pennies, so let’s choose our quarters wisely.

Let’s enjoy and embrace our imperfections let’s not loath, we own them we are made of them,  It’s not our fault, it’s okay not to be so hard on ourselves, everyone else is taken, so let’s be ourselves. Nothing lasts forever so live it up drink it down. You either be  voice or an echo, as I see in this hyper opinionated age I wonder how many of us realize that the things we say are just echoes? This culture we live in is an absolute chaos, where lies sell better than the truth, like it has accepted two huge lies, first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle you must fear or hate them. The second is that when you love someone that means you agree with everything they believe or do…. Both are bull shit you just don’t know the real them, if you do, you will change your perception with in a  fraction of a second, the question is how much time will you be ready to invest in this one? I say none , my passion and my compassion has no set timings, and I don’t think I have to compromise my convictions to be compassionate.

The concierge of my inner thoughts will shut down now as I ask myself who am I?  Demon to some and angel to others, and I can truly say that I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today…

Candid Confessions....

‘this moment’ - this is all we have, its painfully true but yes, if you think closely this is all we got. My yesterday is gone before I could plan on doing something, I am looking forward for tomorrow which I hope it to be better, in the verge of expecting tomorrows and regretting yesterday’s today is buried before it could breathe peacefully. Even though there are days I wish I could change somethings that happened in the past, there is the reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big, where we have headed is much more important than what we’ve left behind.

Sometimes I feel if anyone thinks I have a good life? Or if anyone is praying on having mine as their life? I don’t know, a Child playing outside his home looks at a plane in the sky and dreams of flying in it, and the Pilot who is flying it badly want to come back home, it’s all about what’s missing and not what we have.

As I get older year after year I realize, that If you are not happier as you get older, that means you are totally fucking up. That reminded me that the only time I should ever look back is to see how far I have come, where did I start and when and why?

Being selfish is good sometimes, no matter how much you be available for people, they will just remember you only when they need something from you, that’s how the world is. I am selfish too and I am a lesser mortal and I am selfish abut how can I be happy in my own life, only then I can make people around me happy, At least I know that I cannot pour from an empty cup.

I am homesick sometimes, I just don’t know where the home is. There is this promise of happiness out there. I know it. I even feel it sometimes. Where my silence is understood and my soul is comforted, I don’t need to explain anything to anyone, where I can totally be my own true self and breath, That’s home, that’s what I am sick of, to an extent that it is like chasing the Moon, just when I think I have it, it disappears into the horizon.

It is both blessing and a curse to feel everything intensely, I take it as blessing, because its only later I find that I am cursed. I say that’s the beauty of life, and I will be this. I am who I am. Not who you think I am. Not who you want me to be, I am me and I think, therefore I exist.

Some do drugs, some smoke weed, there is a guy in the lane drinking his way down like fish, there is someone else running in the noon with heavy music playing in his ear phones, at the end we’re all just searching for that tiny little hole that gives us shelter from the terrible reality of the world.

Accepting everything and everyone as they are, was the best way to live according to me so far, at the same time it is taken as if I am giving up on things and people just by accepting them and without making an effort to change things/ people, can we really have control over these for once? Let me end this here flipping a couple of switches in my head pondering over this words and I would still remain a rolling stone stuck in between dreams and destiny.

In terms with life....

In terms with life again ... Oh no, rather life is in terms with me again, guess this will serve as a better statement to put across, tried, tested, weathered, beaten, knocked to the ground knees scraped, dreams shattered at every turn and step - never lose faith, keep hitting bigger, harder, better for what you want to come and kiss your feet and then it will fall at your feet. That day you find the light and then you believe- yes, the hustle was worth it and life, this bitch has to come to terms with you sooner or later it will....and you win.

Bitter sweet experiences, little cheesy insults, inferiority pressing your throat, you can hardly breathe; shoulders crushed and shrugged together lost the way, can't find it anyhow, and cannot ask anyone what to do... May be that's why it is said that the toughest battles are fought in the inner chambers of your mind and heart with you and yourself and never with someone outside... Yes that is 100000% true and you have to live and realize this to feel it. I tell you this feeling is priceless and amazing, one of the most fabulous feelings ever you can experience in life....

Life is not made of consistency. That's how you die one day at a time. Life is made of changes, memories, and wicked plans, and the pleasure that comes from freedom, the freedom which you need to pay certain price for, the freedom for which you need to slog your butt for, the freedom which you need to work to realize day in and day out and there is no short cut.

What are you waiting for? Someone to come and kick your ass? Someone to come teach you which direction to go next or what else to do, if that’s the case then remember, every day, every situation, every step, every turn of life is teaching you something, sending a message for you to observe change, reinvent yourself and move on  and to surrender to the current moment. Serve the moment. It's the only master you need to listen to… if you still have doubts then I suggest you remember why, where and how you started?

Every label you claim you have from before is just vanity. You were a doctor? You were from an IIM or a Harvard of MIT? You had millions? You had a family? Nobody cares. It’s not about money, my friends but money is a decent measuring stick. When people say "it’s not about the money" often they are really saying, "I'm really scared it's ALL about the money."

There will be many days where you don’t love what you are doing. If you are doing it just for love then it will take much much longer than what you planned or thought of achieving. When I love, I'm happy. When I debate, and wonder, and want, and control, and believe, I'm not as happy. Do what you do with love and success is a natural symptom.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter 'coz eventually you’re dead and then it’s hard to reinvent yourself, while you are alive, stay alive and keep moving…at least you will live on your terms and life will come to your terms sooner or later...

Need for greed

I have a bad habit of being brutally honest and practical, I call it bad habit coz 99.% of the people around me in the small world of mine aren't upfront, honest up to my face, it may hurt, but I would rather prefer a hurting truth than a comforting lie. Not that I don't lie I do, as long as it will help me avoid few extra questions, which needs some explanation about what's going on in my life and I might as well just say I am doing well- I am fine.

Let me tell you something, we cannot and won't always be fine, deep inside we all know it. This does not essentially mean that I am nastily narrow and a negative person and I am not too depressed however, I have gained a conviction to say that I have accepted success and failure with the same smile- it took long to practice and go thru toughest times to be this, but now I am just there having my head high very well in my hands, controlled and having it well tamed - I don't look life from a tragic point of view it's like i don't dramatize life, I would rather live it : what happened, what's happening and what might happen are the sum total of consequences  for the actions of my own and reactions to others actions

A mans relationship with greed is a deeply personal thing, let me not be biased may be I should rather say a human's.. It can be anything for that matter career, money, some materialistic things we crave for, we want to get our hands on , we want to own ? How many times do we actually let out what we want ? To ourselves in the mirror-  Some times it looks like a purest form of greed, may be it is for others but if you want it, then you want it - period!

When I hit the bed at the end of the day all I would imagine is all that good things I want to happen in my life, I am sure most of us do that, make scenarios in our head coz it makes us feel good, to end the day with a good thought or imagination  in fact most of us do this during all the times, coz that one thought can motivate us to take that extra mile, to make things happen the way we want them to.

Every need when met has the end but the greed cannot stop, the moment we get something remember, we lost it! These experiences are expensive but they are worth it trust me they are, never ever forget the value of people, things are always under guarantee / warranty and can be  exchanged or returned but people can't. Once you achieve something the other one drives you to slog your butt all over again, we do find that enjoyment in working for something which we want not something we just need. The only question : what's next ? has all the answers of life hidden in, let's take a moment in solitude to enjoy the present what we got and who we have beside us. The sooner you put that question to yourself the sooner it keeps you from living in that moment.

Wanting not to want is also a want ! Wanting and not wanting are both you. Hence that moment of wanting can never stop. The cart will always be way before the horse, please watch your step during you run.

To sum it up : I am hungry, I can eat only as long as my stomach is full - I would earn my meal,  I would relish it , I relax with a happy belly and I am done! If I could get this feeling to another person- then my life has a meaning!

This was about need - greed - want - all three are extremely essential as long as they won't cross the line :-)

Underrated happiness

Yes, It’s been long time and I was quiet tired, it’s been a long life, days are too long and years are quick it’s been 3 of such quick long years I am here in TX if I clink thearly. Sometimes it was real hard, sometimes I took it easy. I care for everything and nothing at the same time more or less I am like a child packed in a man’s body. It aint easy being me but it would probably be worth it, at least I feel so at the end.

Chasing dreams has been a long ride and the race seems to be much longer than I thought, so more or less running towards my dreams, tripped over the reality of time and situations I hit my head hard on the truth - that I am a human being not a superman or a gifted soul to just blind fold my eyes to the reality of life and run like horse in the race. I am much lesser to that of a horse, but the lashes of cane on my back have been equal to what a horse experiences. I need to figure out how many of them leave a scar.

As I pour myself another drink staring at the ice rocks melting their way down into the finest 15yr old scotch, I remembered that I should sometimes do what I love, and mm, yeah there are many such things which we don’t care about life or we get too busy to notice, rather I should call them as underrated happiness’s- some of them which I could notice, imagine or experience is what this is all about:

Most of our lives are consumed by work/career/ profession we choose to be in. We might have read many quotes, advises, short stories on the web, social media-networking sites about balancing time, managing family, leaving office on time blah blah blah…. I did too, we read, we think it’s meaningful; it makes sense, later in a quick minute we are back to our rigmarole of daily crap of whatever it is…

I for one am an intense person; I live life to the deep intensity possible, be it on my failure, success, pain, happiness, peace and everything else embraced everything in life till now . ‘Coz I feel should live every experience, every emotion and every feeling truly and completely only then that’s life- If I may say so?  May be the drill has been long, so cut right in to the chase- Underrated happiness:

I am happy and thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat- When was the last time you went home hungry after a long ass day to see your favorite food cooked by your loved one’s for you - wife/mother/sister/friend isn’t that happiness?

I am thankful and blessed to see a lawn that has been mowed, windows that have to be washed and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home to live in- irrespective I own it or I lease it- Did you go home late after a tiring day at work to see a fresh and well-made sheets on the bed to tuck in and sleep, that for sure is happiness!!

Had a sick day, frustrated, sulked at work all day for things not happening the way you want to? Missed payments or just lost a deal in sales or whatever, not able to find reasons as to why it happens to you always, reach home with the same cracked nut head and your loved ones just then gives you a back rub and gently pressing your shoulders- saying everything is going to be okay, would you really need anything else to be happy about? - If yes, you need to go see a doctor, I truly think you need to.

I will borrow a line I read from somewhere I read, I am not sure who wrote this-‘Life is what happens when you are busy making another plans’. Please stop by and enjoy these little happiness’s, never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present, a good meal, a restful sleep, nice music melody, a funny conversation, a good workout, this is what makes you who you are, Life is a circle do not try to live in squares- 

Fought too long for what you want, Long and hard to keep it, but longest is to let it go. So dear pal-NOW is the only existence before it dissolves into something called tomorrow live it up – 

Toodle-loo!

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow.

Getting bored of traveling for the first time, Dallas to New York for a dear friends engagement , hence I thought  I will reach some untouched words wandering in my head for a while and started typing this lines. I hope you will like or relate yourself in any stupid corner of this latest scribble....

It's been a while I have been living...and all I have been living was in three states of time which crisply I can say as this title...

Many of us complain of wasting time and a very little group of folks don't, as they make use of time constructively to succeed and stay happy.... I for one, definitely  do not belong here in this group. When in teens or rather  when we are young , we listen to this "wasting time" a lot at home or school/ college and then you get to listen the same when you start to work.... May be now I can call it slacking or whiling away the time of passing the time and so on...

After turning an year older recently this got me thinking what is this wasting of time... I say I got-"wasted with the time", time was constant it goes on, not matter whether I go or not.... Yes I got wasted, I turned a little wise from being stupid, I stopped people from pushing me around all the time, I realized I can't always be happy, I accepted reality and now the best part, I acted stupid all over again( sometimes on something's).......I realized what I gotta do and where I had to go... I lost my charm over the years and I still keep loosing my hair which I think is kinda great deal  for me now....and I learnt that all that happens is that we keep dissolving in the so called yesterday, today and tomorrow....don't we?

Over all these years I learnt how to use time & things, yeah and in this process even I got used sometimes for good and sometimes for not so good... In my 10"s I saw people using things and valuing people, by the time I hit 20"s this changed the other way round, and if you are reading this now in 2013 and can understand what I am saying, I don't need to tell you what it is like today, after yet another decade. But on a different angle I thought what is your life for if you are not useful, if you are not put to use somewhere or the other.... Get dissolved in time and get used it's okay you gotta travel no matter what, even if you don't time takes you along if not places, then for sure ages!

My Experience is food for my brain. And all these years back home and a little while away from home as been a rich meal. I suppose this should be no surprise that my brain will burp the time in Texas for a long long time in the years to come, and I got lots of food waiting for me and I am equally eager.

Ambition is only understood if it's to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success.... I do have one I don't deny it but it is equally important for me to satisfy my soul. People can and will be able to see the clothes I wear the home I stay or the car I drive, but deep inside its only me who knows whether I have reached where I need to, it is foolishness if I try to be totally satisfied, but yeah if I can satisfy my soul to an extent It's good because I for myself know that, I have been putting in all I can to make things happen I would prefer to die trying than to compromise....

 My Yesterday was a great teacher, It taught me to laugh, to cry to learn, unlearn be vulnerable but Never Give up and Fight for what is Right and I am trying my best to do something better Today so that me and my people can welcome Tomorrow with a Smile....

Your Version of My Life..?

How have you all been, I don't know how many of you actually follow this junk I write but yes for all the folks who do, I wanted to quickly check on you. As it's been a while I wrote, I thought I might as well try to make some sense another time....

Arrogance in this post is absolutely 0%.... and I mean it.... (I want to say this because I do not write out of frustration of my own life lol; it is just another byproduct of thoughts here and there)

I am a lunatic workaholic creature, who has no other ambitions than making it big in life, especially after realizing that there is only one word which defines a Man, Success!  Coming back to this times topic. You’re Version of my Life............ It does not change a thing.

I always wanted to meet myself in someone else's point of view, just like all of you I was also curious to know what people think about me, after some of the most bitter experiences I narrowed down to a fact, which is already widely known and acclaimed that- "what people think of you is none of your business" (not sure who said this).

Kiss My Ass! Yeah you heard it right the more you speak about me behind my ass, you are in a great position and accessible to Kiss my ass and you are most welcome to do so, Else you have a better thing to do, look after yourself, as Bob Marley said, before you raise your finger on me make sure your hands are clean... are they?  Easiest thing to do on a planet is to judge/speculate or just say it out thinking that you know everything, have you been in my shoe to draw a conclusion, or have you been as certain as me to draw a curtain?

Let’s never do that, you never know what the other person's journey is all about, for instance have you been the same like in last 5yrs have you? What all happened in your life which has changed you into a person you are today? The same applies to others as well. When I started my career I learnt, a person does not grow because he invests very less time on thinking about himself, it's not mere selfishness though?! But you really need to do that sufficiently to have less regrets later on...anyways to invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it is allowed and I think you will be happier for the trouble....

If you belong to a league of people who over think or worry about what people say or think about you, then remember: The habit of over thinking reduces with the age, as you grow old you will begin to worry less this is for sure, then why waste time during your young age - ring any bells?

Possibilities life has to offer will be endless, follow them and you will know where you have to go...Anugatchathi Pravaaha.. ( Sanskrit, meaning : go with the flow) at the same time never oppose someone else's flow every one of us will have our own plans and paths to follow.....