Reluctant eccedentesiast

I Guard my treasures, My Will, My Thoughts and most of all My Freedom- #Ayn Rand

But what is life without having a comfortable air to breath where you can be yourself, far from false pretense. I have been a reluctant  eccedentesiast  for a while now. More and more of us are lying in this false pretense to impress someone or to please someone in day to day lives, when do we actually be ourselves, which means being us who we truly are, portraying what we didn’t do, saying what we didn’t know, heights of superficiality eye pop, jaw drop moments throughout the fucking day has led me to scribble something like this.

We are getting older by minutes, many of us think if we really are happy? After having my body circled the Sun for 34 times and just started experiencing wrinkled maturity I have understood that the only way to live is to be yourself completely and I’ve learnt the hard way that you cannot do that, if you do, you are a contrast to the world I am sure there is no such place where you can be literal, candid without being misquoted or mistaken. I mean it’s hard for me to understand why don’t the world let us be ourselves, I will decide what I choose to show or tell you or how I choose to be, I don’t want to be tamed, advised or suggested to do this do that all the time. I am not your pet dog. Being useful is good, one can make use of you as much as they want, all they would gain is some monitory reward but then, one needs to understand that you can use but you cannot exploit.

Don’t whine - one of my friend says, perhaps he was right, no actually he is, whiners don’t accomplish anything what so ever. Accept no bull shit, give no bull shit - was my mantra and now I find myself taking piles and piles of bull shit continuously having seen things happen which are not supposed to be, and still  not able to do shit about it?  am I a mahatma Gandhi or something to fix things for the world?  but having bull shit happen to my own self and not able to do anything is the pain, and I hate being eccedentesiast- I no longer have energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations, what keeps me hooked up is the direction I chose to sail.

Ultimately happiness relies on how we establish a solid sense of self or being. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances or in vanity. It is the matter of what you feel inside, it quite a deep resonance in our lives, to be filled each day a rewarding sense of exhilaration and purpose a sense of tasks accomplished and deep fulfillment. I would like to feel this way I don’t want to feel empty on the inside, when the contributions are not valued or respected and credibility is taken away at every juncture , twist and turn of life, and we as people are just used , misused and exploited,  the voices are heard, that ringing sound when I hear while its quiet at the night just before sleep or during my insomniac times. And I felt it happens only when we are quiet patient and may be a little lucky, we will be able to hear it, and we will hear things about past , present and future, when we hear it there is a message to move on, explore the horizons and push the limits. We do no longer need safe zones to protect our fragile ego, we need big , new scary ideas that challenge our beliefs and expand our thinking, Thoughts that will offend us, hurt our feelings and stomp on our toes to make us mad, we got to tell ourselves to stop being victims we got to grow up,  we got to move on, instead of waiting on the other side of the tracks trying to find the meaning of life…

One of my good friends told me a joke, I laughed to tears, he told me the same joke again and I laughed a little less, not as hard. When he repeated it again twice I never got to stretch my lips – If we cannot laugh for the same joke over and over again why should we cry over things and people who can cause us hurt over and over again? Growing up for me is a part of being honest with myself first, About what I want, what I need, what I feel and who I am and now I trust to myself that I am a reluctant eccedentesiast with  a wrinkled maturity…..