Sunday Afternoon Nap!

 

Why is it okay to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally and to try like heck and suffer insomnia on the bed at night? We have those unexpected Melancholic Sunday afternoon naps, when you probably are heavy from a nice brunch and you just laze around and fall asleep on your couch, when you wake up it's already 4 or 5 in the evening and you start contemplating your life’s choices… you feel me?

During the whole day, we throw ourselves everywhere possible with our thoughts and actions, and the time we hit the bed at night we search for ourselves again before we slip into a deep sleep only to wake up the next day and do it again. But isn’t that the way of life? Its content within itself, makes us get lost in our own things. We are very fortunate to be around our loved ones who change our world completely while we are with them and then we leave, we get back to life and roll with it…

There are little infinities in everything. As long as we feel something deeply. For one, the Pain. There is this thing about Pain, it demands to be felt, let it hurt until it doesn’t. Don’t question, don’t touch it,  search it through, or rip it apart. Let it be what it was and put it away somewhere untouched or unattended. And then walk away from it into your own life and like I said Life goes on.

As people we don’t realize what’s shaping us, we might just count who is hurting us or who is comforting us during good and bad times, but we don’t know who is shaping us with that whimsical chiseling us into something we are ought to be in the future and when it's all done you realize it was not at all random.

 It's a jungle, we don’t know who planted the trees, and when did they do that. There are weeds, there are fruits and flowers, some tall, some short, and some may end up being medicine, some might even kill you, you know what I mean? The idea is to let them seeds be sowed, let the plans grow, we will only realize in retrospect as to what worked and what was/is what. You have not met all the people in life who will love you for what you are, you haven’t had the best time in your life yet, nor you have had the worst pain still ?! keep going and keep finding all of those good and bad because the most beautiful part is that we won’t be looking for what we find at the end of the day.

Cut the small talk, keep that phone aside and feel the air, relish a meal every morsel and devour the taste of it and be thankful for all the kind souls who made it possible. Write a paragraph about that lost summer at your grandparent's house and ask yourself why did you get angry at your sister or a friend a few months back. When you write honestly you will start learning about yourself a little more each time,  let all those words be a revelation of your own self, just don’t hide, do not fake, keep it real,  let the words flow when they all come together it will make absolute sense.

March 20, 2021.

My childhood has gone with you, you have gone leaving a lot of memories, pain, and grief and I still don’t find the answers why? But I know you left before you were gone.  Your departure made me understand that one life lost is someone’s entire Universe I feel this every time I see Amma.   Grief hits like a wave, I don’t know what causes it, I don’t know from where it comes and takes you along but before I realize I know I have tears flowing subconsciously... 

I cannot bear the weight of not being able to tell you one word - sorry: For every time I misunderstood you, for all the times I snapped at you, and you took my anger patiently, for all the times I tried to talk to you, only to make you recollect who am I to you. you did give me a big punishment by leaving in a rush, I sincerely thought you had a little more time, but you proved me wrong. 

See that’s the thing with time, We all think we have it, but no.  now is all there ever is. Make that call, say that sorry, say that you love them – If past is a memory, future is mere anticipation!

 

State of Mind at 39

 

State of mind at 39.

 

To be understood is to be home. It is either you do, or you do not.  End of the day the world is not going to believe you when you say that you tried. Coz the trials are not visible just like as in a vaccine. Either we have it or do not. Its only people, the ones who try to be involved with our life would know and appreciate the fact that we are trying.  Indeed, it’s tough to actually find such kind of people in a lifetime when you do please hold on to them.

 

I have slowly learnt that even when I react it won’t change anything. It won’t make people suddenly love or respect me and it definitely won’t change their attitudes or mindsets, people will remain who they are,  the one who cheats would cheat, the one who is honest would remain so.

 

Sometimes there is much more peace when we just let things be, let people go, and do not fight for closure. Closure matters but you do not get it always, it’s better to stop trying. Do not chase answers don’t expect people to understand where you are coming from.

 

And I am slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and rather center it around what is happening inside of you. Work on yourself and for your own inner peace.  

 

If you are the person who is always there for others, know that your heart is rare, know that you make people feel wanted and that you make people feel seen, you make them feel like they have a purpose. But from time to time you need to remind yourself that you deserve to take all the energy you put out into the roll and invest back into yourself. You are also worthy of the love you keep giving to everybody else. Take a break and nourish the softness inside you. 

 

The real love amounts to let a person be what he/she really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be, to keep their love we keep pretending, performing and it’s a loop which never ends and we get caught up in this poisonous pretentious circle  to an extent that we will end up forgetting who we really are . You are chained to that performance and let people like you and rate you for how well you do so. When you stop pretending that’s when people will hate you, as you don’t meet their standards anymore and you will eventually be distant and blurry to their eyes. 

 

Sometimes we just need to go far away just to realize who is closer to us. First, we become closer to yourselves work and invest in yourselves and let them right people find you. It might take time and I am sure it will in some cases, but we will end up in the right company and the flow would be much better. 

 

Life is not linear, neither is your journey nor your pain or your healings. It’s very random, so random that you find yourself in the craziest moments of highs and you will experience excruciating pain and deep-down lows. And how we let these times affect us, would decide our future. Do you plan to make life linear yes, we all do, but should we?  I suppose not coz the whole thing called life doesn’t just depend on you alone, there is time, place and there are family, friends, relationships, colleagues and many more people or the aliens who are unpredictable, annoying and lovable all at the same time.

 

Let us just be true to ourselves. Let it flow, go with the flow and get the most out of it,  juice the pulp as best you can, the love, the friendship, the companionship, the career, the achievements, the pain, the loss, a hot cup of coffee, a fresh brew, a great run or a killer workout it’s just amazing to feel everything completely and intensely. The learning process is rewarding and so is the giving, give out to the world, to the people nothing and no one stays forever. Just be in a fearless in the pursuit of authenticity as a human and never stop experiencing Life it has a lot in store, we just need to go grab them as we go. 

 

The most convincing sign that someone is truly living their best life, is their lack of desire to show the world that they are living their best life. Your best life will not seek validation.

 

Memories. Tears. Distance. Truth. Desires. Responsibilities. Relationships. Loneliness. Milestones. Words. Music.

 

Myself at 39. During a Disastrous 2020.

 

 

 

 

More from my Slate...

Often, it’s considered not quite comfortable, sometimes private topic to ask or reveal “The Age ‘as I am getting a year older myself, I thought I would revisit my age .... through the rearview mirror for a bit and to realize what I made of it and throw some words.

 

Age has been a blessing she has been nothing more than:

A collection of experiences.

Making new friends and losing old ones.

Knowing whom to trust and who stayed along with you irrespective of good times and bad, through thick and thin (you know Who I am talking about).

How many places you been to?

How many cuisines have you tasted?

How many rocks did you climb?

How much beer have you drink?

How much did you give?

How well did you spend (time and energy)?

How well have you loved?

and lastly: How much did you live...

 

Everything in this world has a measurement end of the day:

 

How many degrees did you achieve?

How much money did you earn or how fat is your paycheck?

How big of a house do you live in

How happy are you in your marriage?

How well are your kids doing yadda yadda...

Just a matter of time and everything I said the above will be measured, asked, judged ... that’s how it is, and by now you very well know what comes next, retirement, and its associated side effects of the last leg of life. So that is it. That is a perfect life and I do not want to know according to whom?

It is the people, the world / the society around you which is going to gauge, taunt or judge and torment you into knowing all the above so as to be called a perfect life lived. But who has got the recipe for it?

All of us have ended up doing something to make a living, our goals and our ambitions were different, and they will be, coz we all are not cut out from the same fabric neither we will be alike. Life takes us all in a weirdly random direction that none of us expect. We end up making choices and decisions and will be ending up in some corner of the world with people who we do not even knew. If not anything the Survival / Necessity / Responsibility /Passion would guide our moves largely and more likely we are a result of one of these four. While our habits kick in from the other side to define our lifestyle or health.

Growing old is inevitable, growing up is a choice and as we grow up, we become closer to ourselves and we tend have reduced patience for drama.  Aging transforms you into a lonely being and makes you glorify loneliness. Company of others becomes an effort that requires energy, courtesy, and many concealment and pretensions. So it’s very important to find someone with whom : we don’t have to conceal of what we were / are , we don’t have to pretend or try to impress , coz it takes a lot of effort and over the time becomes a pain in the rear as one day you need to draw the curtains and bare your soul to your partner. So, it is essential to find someone who understands our silence and not just our words.

Everybody has their own timing. To earn a degree, to earn the first paycheck, to start their own firm or to get married or to have a kid, no one can control or force these things. All you do is try with pure intention and genuine effort. Da Vinci was 51 years old when he painted the Mona Lisa.

Life itself is hard, sad, unreasonable, and irrational all at the same time, over the time so little of it makes sense and so much of it seems unfair. A lot of it simply boils down to the unsatisfying formula of good and bad luck. I personally don’t believe in Luck but for me it is the Timing- right time, right place, right situation and with right people is Luck, but what are the odds of all these stars aligning together?- let me leave that you to ponder on .

Do not do things that you know are morally wrong. Not because someone is watching, but because you are. Self-esteem is just the reputation that you have with yourself. You will always know. Nobody asked you to beat yourself up by doing things which are above yourself for the people who do not even care. A Priest can swear, vegetarian can wear leather shoes, do as much good you can and keep pushing forward. Always remember that the worlds heavy representation is not resting only on the decisions we make.

So be your full self, no holding back. It is about time you decide what warms your soul, do what makes you happy and try not to hurt anyone even when you have to say a No. If not anything you would sleep in peace and would not have any regrets!

 

A Peak from my window....

I went to the bank of this river and sat near the stream of words with a  fishing rod, thinking I could pick a few of them today, while I buried my feelings down under the words all I think of is you- My younger self then began searching for him as the stream of my words kept flowing into the river of thoughts meeting the Ocean of Oblivion.

As I started missing my younger self  I took a stroll back in the time while I took a peek out of the window, that window was right in the hall of the home we lived, in fact, the home consisted of two and a half rooms, I call it home because my mother made one out of it. I see a boy who was happy for all the reasons he is, and had no worry, hardly any responsibilities. Loved his mother immensely and I still do- the only thing that never changed while the whole world and everyone in it did.

Life seemed easy for this boy who was quite sure about what he wants to do with it, back then “imagination” was the only nation he lived in. I wanted to be a doctor and started studying hard for it. I still smile at those ambitions which never came true. Stagnated dreams are what I can say when those dried up puddles leave a mark, which continues till today. To be strong is a curse when you are in pain, hurt or sad your ego makes you mask your feelings. No one understands the real you, and that is a big price you must pay for being strong.

 In the search of career and livelihood, I never realized when the so-called responsibilities kicked in and I wake up to 18yrs of working experience (corporate) - a train that never stopped. A train which carried all the needs of the family and still is on the track cooing happily station to station. All that I miss is the world around me, it was not as ruthless as it is now- or may be just I had to grow up to learn and realize how it truly has been?

I learnt we all must take one day at a time, we cannot rush. I learnt to love the sound of my feet walking away from people and things that are not meant for me. And what screws us up most in life is the “picture in our head of how it is supposed to be”.  Hopeless romance towards life continues, but isn’t that what keeps us going?  Everything is a pattern of life, but we cannot see the pattern because we are a  part of it- delicious ambiguity so delicious that sometimes we end up finding corners in a circle and at the end of the day, most of time all you have is a moment  and the imperfect love of the people around you.

My life did not come with terms and conditions just like yours, so I made mistakes. And It sucks how rest of the life and career depended on our most immature years. So, it passed and so did life, day after day everything seems the same, and just when you turn to a new calendar you know what changed?

One of the best and worst experiences was Silence. Silence in the midst of chaos, silence in heavy traffic on a peak hour, Silence when you are standing with 30 other people and blasting music and you don’t feel a thing, Silence that kills and pushes you around to the corner and no matter how many people are around. Silence at those 3 am Insomniac nights and Silence during all those failure and successes.

Let me leave you with a question - what are we searching for Peace of Mind or Peace from Mind?

 

Cheers!

 

Another day above the ground!

By the time we begin to understand the day, the night of darkness is upon us. That’s how life is. Sometimes we are determined, that we plan to get things done in a certain way or rather want things to happen, and they wouldn’t. If you are lucky you might end up having better than you thought. Otherwise, I will leave you to dig into your own lives experiences and imaginations.

Facts do not exist, interpretations do. Life is merely made of a series of judgments made on insufficient data, and if we waited to run down all our doubts, it would flow past us, sad but true. Maybe that’s why they said- Life first conducts the exam and then teaches you something out of it. Learning from our own lives experiences is totally optional, but the lesson is repeated until you learn, so there no escape :)

Its better that we dare to be naive, at least if we have the WHY of our life, We shall get along with almost ANYHOW. The whole life would always, and always be a trial and error with no guarantee. No one can surely say what works for you until you try and realize what does.

I can confidently say that free will, free-thinking has -made its way into the world, thinking the possibilities, breaking the barriers: of what they said, how it should be, how should you conduct yourself.  But the WHY’s were always not answered.  Compared to our childhood and the kinds of today. Your children are not your children. They are the Sons and Daughters of Life's longing for itself. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their Souls Dwell in the house of tomorrow, one you cannot visit, not even in your Dreams.  

How could  I not agree as - My father worked for the Government for all 40 years of his career, he stuck to his job. Clocked-in Clocked-Out and retired. About 3 years before he retired I started my race ( Rat- Race I can say in literal terms). Despite my multiple attempts, I failed to make him understand what exactly I do for a living - not that he was not educated but definitely he was not educated during my time enough to understand what kind of profession I was into. He had a good ride, he was happy, married had 3 kids brought them up decently, retired from work and played his part and waiting to check out.

Everything was and is a pattern of life. We cannot see the Pattern because we are a part of it, by the time you realize how it actually past, we know we have come a long way. So, it is important to take a break, re-evaluate and set the course. Because what’s passing is time and age. Age is not particularly an interesting subject for me, anyone can get old, all of us did too :). All we have to do is try to live long enough.

There is nothing called a Peaceful Life. It’s a fallacy, don’t believe anyone who promises you one. You are gonna continue to evolve in unforeseen ways. You are full of complexities and wonders. Life's unpredictability will draw these. We slowly dissolve into tomorrow’s, now is the only existence as time moves in one direction while memories move in another. You will be told in a hundred ways, some make sense, and few wouldn't.   To keep climbing,  and never be satisfied with where you are. Who you are and what you are doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out and I guarantee you will hear them. 

By the time you want to realize if you are happy doing what you are doing you are drawn into it so deep, you cannot come out of it, just then responsibilities kick in, and so do the payments. The necessity of doing it will take over and you are trapped. Finding happiness is highly important to continue, instead of staying in the misery. If you think your demons have caged you? In your memory and in your obsessions they are dying to be free, but in reality, your heart is for sure surrounded by the rib cage!

Your best performance or your best self would eventually become your enemy, people will relate and recognize you with those of certain benchmarks, and society and people around you would expect you to exceed the previous one. Nobody would begin to understand the struggle behind it, those sleepless nights, those tiring days, and none would ask you about them, that’s how it is, that’s how it’s going to be so. So we might as well enjoy and find our happiness in what we do and continue to draw such happiness along the way.  

Lifes does give us a lot of things, just that we only count what we do not have .. 

Peace, Love, Coffee & Cake!

Bindu.

Sign of the times...

 I missed by bus

Not sure when did the last 20yrs flew by until I read a message from a school friend ( in our chat group) that it's 2 decades we have passed out our high school. Life was so good, with that little homework and the only scary line was ' I am going to tell your mom'. Nobody cared what we wore and none judged us

Until we were in school we had the uniform and a bag full of books to carry, worrying about when it would rain and how to cover the Books from getting drenched. Waiting for every summer and to that semester( quarterly and half Yearly as we would then call them ) breaks for summer, winter so we could just pack our bags and head to ancestral  house by the country side . I don't remember the reason why but we were all truly happy, so happy that nobody could take the reason from us to be so.

Dreams and ambitions had no limits, those thoughts into a vivid and colorful world which seemed so good. Wanted to be something, and the only under lining thing was to be happy and I still remember my dream was to become a doctor  (: . I still remember I wrote this same in the autograph books of my friends while we departed from high school . No memory or moment was so true and pure after this.

Dads were the only hero we had, he was the only guy we knew so closely who could take all our tantrums and still ensured that we had everything we needed, and everything we asked for, holding his finger and going places, sitting on his shoulders to see things in a crowded fair . Crying for a New school bag every year, a bicycle when others had and that proud  show -off when we owned one. That long-ass pleading to allow us for sleepovers at friends place before exams ( we called it Combined studies) and then putting together that left over change so we can watch a night show at the nearby movies . Being at least one teachers favorite. Silly fights with siblings, and not talking to them over them, that fear or injections ( syringes) when we were sick, but the doctors ensured that we got one good in the buttock. Making those excuses Of stomach pain ( didn’t we all made a few ?) to avoid school because we haven't done the home work or some project work.

But then it all started - I mean losing the best days of life ...Just after losing the school uniform which was a ritual for about 11 years, stepped into college, Skipped classes , watched movies, played snooker tournaments . Bird watching, try and get a date or two ?!   Follow friends to bars, karaoke clubs and the list goes long. Never worried about being responsible and there came the final exams with a great struggle at last graduated. Trying to get a job, find a way to make a career and many times being a crushed napkin with dreams of being recycled.

Limbo has always been the best friend, no matter how painful it was to change the gear or shift the direction to sail, it has always  left great memories in retrospect. Isn’t it  the most important phase which occurs multiple times ?When we move on to something new, something different and something better ( being positive ). You make new friends, the old ones move on, some stay in touch some take it easy , its all about making an effort and a little intent. Let’s keep the balance sheet aside, for what you gave, and what you got - At the end of the day it’s all about experiences, bunch of’em, and always will be. Some made us, some broke us, but each and every one has made us who we are. Being thankful to all of them is the least we could do.

Just don’t be worried  that, the season is over it will be back in 12 months, so it’s up to us if we want to be a reason or season? Reason can stay from a life time if we need it, seasons often change – follow the heart , it’s only the heart that once can see rightly – because what’s essential is invisible to the eye.  Life is always a seed ,  and so are the dreams , lets water them daily so it can grow. We have grown, rather evolved in unforeseen ways. We are full f complexities  and wonder what the life’s unpredictability will draw us in.

Life always is a foreign language , all of us miss pronounce it. Lets not try and act perfect - its as good as getting dressed up for an X-Ray!

The New Normal

If I say what everyone has been saying or things which people are candid about, then you all might as well login into your regular Facebooks, tune into news channels and may be just simply hit google.com. I want to express what y’all don’t feel like, but sure you agree with me deep down inside or may be are waiting to hear the same from someone somewhere else. It takes one voice out which can make others a little comfortable and feel that they are not alone to feel so. And when I try to be  that one I am called a misfit/ dysfunctional I would rather call this league of people as New Normal's I am  glad that I am and I enjoy being one even more after learning more and more about people around me, the more I like myself.

For one I say you are under no obligation to give your opinion / view on everything. At times, you can just shut up, and trust me it works and am sure you will thank me later. Come hell or high water, Nobody wants a dose of reality. We just want to sound intelligent and intense and we are prefect with our larger than life escapist fare. This makes me an excessive clinomania’c , who sometimes do not want to come across the people I know, the way they think, they act, throw those sad rotten tantrums and still desperately want the world to feel and think that they are perfect life- Its great if you do, good for you.

It took a while for me to understand that I am a misfit, I don’t seem to be happy for most of the reasons the world is for. I don’t live my life pretending to be someone else, at least most of the times I try not to. And I won’t stress on my imperfections like i used to before, I learnt they make me complete. It’s okay to feel sad sometimes and give ourselves the space to experience emotions in their fullness instead of faking happiness. Every time we conform just because a majority thinks it is “ The Right Thing”. We stop ourselves from exploring who WE truly are!! I am done with being something else than who I am. I thought I had enough with the validation processes the world has put in place. As we know a person is still valued by the wealth , things you possess, your education qualifications, credentials  and yadda yadda. I am not sure how many of you remember- there used to be a Bonafide Certificate issued by our school and college back in the times ( in India) to declare our conduct was good, so we can be accepted in the next School/ University  I mean how lame was that shit?! A declaration of you by a third person ( essentially who does not know shit about us) signing  piece of paper to prove or to be accepted elsewhere.

Each one of us has an intrinsic value as an individual on this planet. That value is unconnected to the trappings of wealth, our possessions, talents, or economic contributions to self and to the world. Each of us has inherent worth Period. Ultimately we each have the final word about who we are and the type of life we choose to live—don’t let your final words be packed with self-fulfilling lies. Some say follow your passion, parents told me do something to make a decent or rather respectable living. I don’t know what is my passion till date but I try to find some happiness and joy in what I do before it consumes me more. We all will end up doing something or the other for survival, we end up paying our bills and feeding our kids when we have them. Its okay  not to judge, we don’t really know what’s their journey is all about, do we?  For one. you knew me yesterday, please don't think I am the same person that you are meeting today. I've experienced more of life, I've encountered new depths in those whom I love, I've suffered, I prayed, I cried I fought and I am different.

Life is full of struggles. Some struggles can be fought with the help of others. But some struggles you have to face alone. And to be yourself in this hypocrite society is one such thing.  The well is too deep inside me, will take a while for me to pull out all the other garbage to pick these words and put them together which remotely makes some sense. So I just want to request you - if you find a misfit, a poet , a dreamer or a singer, for the love of the Universe don’t change them, let them be , I am sure they are trying to find some meaning and peace in being so. They don’t need a cure for their wellness. They are nothing but New Normal.